On Not Converting

I think I will never find a theological home. Maybe it is just not meant to be. My home is Christ and I take no titles. Why do I desire to have a label? I do not wear Orthodox or Catholic, but Protestant feels too constricting,  Reformed chokes away my breath, and Evangelical is a slippery thing that refuses to stay in my grasp.

I feel like Israel calling out for a king. I am envious. I want community. I want to be a part of something larger. I want an image I can look to, people with flesh to lean upon, and something to be loyal to.

Christ is calling me to be at home with Him. Let Him fulfill these desires packed away into my heart. Let Him, for this time, be my doctrine, my catechism, my High Priest. Let Him be my Inspiration, my Image, let Him have my fealty.

I know to some this is me, proudly saying I am a Protestant. I know some will see this as a rejection of the Church. That is not what this is.

This is me humbly saying that the only Truth I know is Christ, and He has not made it known where I should go. This is me saying that my pride is constantly before me, and any decision I make at this point would be motivated by what I think I understand, would be motivated by my enchantment with novelty, and my weakness for rituals, stories, history, and beauty.

Maybe to some it is foolishness. I know much about the Church and hasn't God given me my intellect to discern truth? But no, no -- it doesn't feel right, my gut revolts and my spirit feels ill-at-ease with the thought of actual conversion and not the simple play-acting I've been doing.  And feelings are a gift of God as much as the intellect.

If God would have me convert, He will make it so. Of this I am confident. But for now, I feel His hand on my shoulder, telling me, "Slow down, my child. You cannot love my Church more than you love me."

♥ee