Becoming Substantial

After Sola Scriptura

2012-01-16T12:15:00.000-08:00

I've come to realize something. After losing sola scriptura, there's no turning back. You must find authority somewhere. There must be an end-point. If I went backwards to return to my protestant roots, I would be building on the shifting sands of my own scriptural interpretations and I'd know it. It's one thing to hold your interpretation (or your pastor's) as the highest authority out of ignorance, thinking it to be the true infallible word of God, but it's a whole other beast to commit this error willfully.

It's kind of evil.

I believe it's error to take the Bible as a how-to manual to life and in strict literalism, but I also think it's important for protestants to try and continue in this path, if they are to continue to be protestants. Take the whole Licona-Geisler thing that blew up the blogosphere for awhile. I don't agree with Geisler on this issue, but I understand him. He knows if you give an inch within interpretation, it will go on for another mile. If one thing is a literary device, then why not another? If this resurrection is mere symbolism or exaggeration, why not this one?

It would be better to acknowledge that sola scriptura is a failed hypothesis and to find another authority, one that actually works in a consistent and coherent manner.

Which is what I have to do. Otherwise I must elect myself my own authority. I've tried that once before, and it was miserable. By God's grace, I won't do it again.

♥ee

Seven Prayers

2012-01-13T11:36:00.000-08:00

One delightful gift discovering Tradition has given me is the rich abundance of prayers to draw from when I don't have the words within myself. Having these available has not made my prayer life stagnant as I thought, but rather enriched my prayer life beyond what I could have expected. Here are a few (but by no means all) of my favorites.

1. Prayer for Acceptance of God's Will

Lord, I do not know what to ask of You. You know better than me what my needs are. You love more than I know how to love. Help me to see clearly my real needs which I do not see. I open my heart to You. Examine and reveal to me my faults and sins. I put all trust in You. I have no other desire than to fulfill Your will. Teach me how to pray. Pray in me. Amen.

2. Lenten Prayer of St. Ephraim the Syrian

Lord and Master of my life, deliver me from the spirit of laziness, meddling, ambition and gossip. Give me, Your servant, the spirit of prudence, humility, patience and love. Lord and King, grant that I may see my sins and faults and not judge my brother, for You are blessed forever and ever. Amen.

3. By St. Ignatius of Loyola (against depression):

O Christ Jesus

When all is darkness

And we feel our weakness and helplessness,

Give us the sense of Your Presence,

Your Love and Your Strength.

Help us to have perfect trust

In Your protecting love

And strengthening power,

So that nothing may frighten or worry us,

For, living close to You,

We shall see Your Hand,

Your Purpose, Your Will through all things.

4. By St. Augustine:

Lord Jesus, let me know myself and know Thee,

And desire nothing save only Thee.

Let me hate myself and love Thee.

Let me do everything for the sake of Thee.

Let me humble myself and exalt Thee.

Let me think of nothing except Thee.

Let me die to myself and live in Thee.

Let me accept whatever happens as from Thee.

Let me banish self and follow Thee,

And ever desire to follow Thee.

Let me fly from myself and take refuge in Thee,

That I may deserve to be defended by Thee.

Let me fear for myself, let me fear Thee,

And let me be among those who are chosen by Thee.

Let me distrust myself and put my trust in Thee.

Let me be willing to obey for the sake of Thee.

Let me cling to nothing save only to Thee,

And let me be poor because of Thee.

Look upon me, that I may love Thee.

Call me that I may see Thee,

And for ever enjoy Thee. Amen.

5. St. Patrick's Lorica

I arise today

Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity,

Through a belief in the Threeness,

Through confession of the Oneness

Of the Creator of creation.

I arise today

Through the strength of Christ's birth and His baptism,

Through the strength of His crucifixion and His burial,

Through the strength of His resurrection and His ascension,

Through the strength of His descent for the judgment of doom.

I arise today

Through the strength of the love of cherubim,

In obedience of angels,

In service of archangels,

In the hope of resurrection to meet with reward,

In the prayers of patriarchs,

In preachings of the apostles,

In faiths of confessors,

In innocence of virgins,

In deeds of righteous men.

I arise today

Through the strength of heaven;

Light of the sun,

Splendor of fire,

Speed of lightning,

Swiftness of the wind,

Depth of the sea,

Stability of the earth,

Firmness of the rock.

I arise today

Through God's strength to pilot me;

God's might to uphold me,

God's wisdom to guide me,

God's eye to look before me,

God's ear to hear me,

God's word to speak for me,

God's hand to guard me,

God's way to lie before me,

God's shield to protect me,

God's hosts to save me

From snares of the devil,

From temptations of vices,

From every one who desires me ill,

Afar and anear,

Alone or in a multitude.

I summon today all these powers between me and evil,

Against every cruel merciless power that opposes my body and soul,

Against incantations of false prophets,

Against black laws of pagandom,

Against false laws of heretics,

Against craft of idolatry,

Against spells of women and smiths and wizards,

Against every knowledge that corrupts man's body and soul.

Christ shield me today

Against poison, against burning,

Against drowning, against wounding,

So that reward may come to me in abundance.

Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,

Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,

Christ on my right, Christ on my left,

Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down,

Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,

Christ in the mouth of every man who speaks of me,

Christ in the eye that sees me,

Christ in the ear that hears me.

I arise today

Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity,

Through a belief in the Threeness,

Through a confession of the Oneness

Of the Creator of creation.

6. Litany of Humility

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.

From the desire of being esteemed,

Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being loved...

From the desire of being extolled ...

From the desire of being honored ...

From the desire of being praised ...

From the desire of being preferred to others...

From the desire of being consulted ...

From the desire of being approved ...

From the fear of being humiliated ...

From the fear of being despised...

From the fear of suffering rebukes ...

From the fear of being calumniated ...

From the fear of being forgotten ...

From the fear of being ridiculed ...

From the fear of being wronged ...

From the fear of being suspected ...

That others may be loved more than I,

Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be esteemed more than I ...

That, in the opinion of the world,

others may increase and I may decrease ...

That others may be chosen and I set aside ...

That others may be praised and I unnoticed ...

That others may be preferred to me in everything...

That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…

7. Prayer of Philaret, Met. of Moscow:

My Lord, I know not what I ought to ask of Thee.

Thou and Thou alone knowest my needs.

Thou lovest me more than I am able to love Thee.

O Father, grant unto me, Thy servant, all which I cannot ask.

For a cross I dare not ask, nor for consolation;

I dare only to stand in Thy presence.

My heart is open to Thee.

Thou seest my needs of which I myself am unaware.

Behold and lift me up!

In Thy presence I stand,

awed and silenced by Thy will and Thy judgments,

into which my mind cannot penetrate.

To Thee I offer myself as a sacrifice.

No other desire is mine but to fulfill Thy will.

Teach me how to pray.

Do Thyself pray within me.

Amen.

What are some of your favorite prayers? Thanks to Jen for hosting!

Returning, Questions, and Recommended Reading

2012-01-09T11:34:00.000-08:00

I think I am ready to consider blogging again. The break has been illuminating and very necessary.

Part of me wants to continue writing, because I love writing. Part of me also knows that, while I love writing, I am frightened of being read. This is why I have crammed journals full since I was a child, but always listed "Someone Reading my Journal" as my number one fear.

I am afraid of people listening to me, I am afraid of people seeing all my yucky flaws. I am afraid because blogging caters to my vanity, to my pride. I am scared because I want God to be God, not myself. I am scared because I want to live in the moment, with an eternal perspective, not a blogging perspective. If I read too many blogs (or write too many), then it seems as if "blog-thought" takes captive every action, every experience, every revelation and tries to wrangle it, twist it, reconstruct it into a blog post. It is the oddest thing I've ever experienced.

This used to happen when I was a kid, too, except I would narrate life in my mind, adding "he said" in the middle of conversations, narrating "as I reached over the table to take the salt, my eyes looked at everything except him". True story. I'm trying to take this oddity and turn it into narration by prayer, and blogging gets in the way of that.

So why continue blogging? Not because I have any answers, that's for sure, but because I still have so many questions, and I need to put them somewhere. One question weighing heavy on me is a piece of Catholic theology that I haven't been able to embrace: the rejection of sola fide. A lack of understanding, I think, drives my discomfort, like its driven all my misgivings in the past. But every time I think about rejecting sola fide, it just makes my heart heavy, makes me feel like I have a load on my shoulders. If anyone has a good read on this subject, send it my way. I don't necessarily need reading against sola fide, just something painting a good and clear image of the Catholic Church's teaching on the subject.

I am also afraid of my pride. If I would ever convert, this would tangle up my heart. I can feel it starting already. I can feel my lip curl when I see a certain book on marriage in my parents home: "You're reading that?" The disdain is evident in my voice, even if I don't mean it to be. I start feeling like, "oh those poor people. If they only searched like I have, they would know the truth like I do".

I'm not saying this is the Church's fault. Of course not! It's me, all me! Pride has always been a thorn in my side. But I'm just not sure how to overcome it. I mean, if I find the truth, I know it is Christ who has brought me near, not my own awesomeness or cleverness or intelligence. But then, what does that mean for all the others? All those intelligent, faithful, seeking Christians I leave behind? What does it mean for my parents, my Christian college professors? Surely they've asked these questions, too. Why didn't they come to the same answers?

So, before I throw Protestantism completely out the window, I want to read the best defense of it available. Any suggestions? One on the list is Geisler & Mackenzies "Roman Catholics and Evangelicals: Agreements and Differences" mostly because my father studied apologetics under Geisler at Southern Evangelical Seminary, so my family has tremendous respect for him. Knowing his perspective would definitely help in conversing with my family concerning Catholicism.

Apologies for being a bad blogger and leaving comments unpublished! They should all be published now. :) I'm so glad to be writing again!

♥ee

2011-11-09T10:09:00.000-08:00

Rarely in my life has God seemed to answer prayers so very literally as He chose to do just a short 48 hours ago.

You see, I am slowly coming to the realization that there are people - real people - who read the words I've been writing. Even though it has been a somewhat-secret dream of mine for a long time to be a "writer" (or maybe more accurately "someone who is read"), I find paranoia springing up in me. Maybe that's not quite the right word.

I feel responsibility rising within me. This, I think, is a good thing. I prayed about it, realizing that I could be putting foolish thoughts or projecting my own misunderstandings into others minds, which is something I don't want to do at all. I prayed one of my all-or-nothing type prayers "Lord God, i am not fit to speak Your Words or on Your Word. Heal my missing pieces or shut me down, i beg you!"

Fifteen minutes later, my computer was effectively overcome by a nasty virus, refusing to even start.

Welp. Thanks for being clear on that one, God! :)

I spent the next four hours immersed in prayer and running my computer anti-spyware in Safe Mode to eradicate the "System Security 2012" virus.

The virus is gone, but now, it is time to step away from the blogs. When God speaks so loudly, it is nothing but foolishness to hesitate in doing what He is asking you. I will still be posting - mainly book reviews, so I can continue to receive free review copies :) but will be cutting down the time I spend reading and responding and sorting and searching, etc.

I will be running myself in a sort of "Safe Mode" for a while, shutting down unnecessary programs which clog my system and allow all sorts of nasty viruses in, but mainly it's to prevent my own nasty viruses from spreading to others around me. I never want to lead anyone to stumble, but only to edify.

Continue to keep me in your prayers as I try to cling more to Christ, and investigate what He would have me do with my "online presence" and the new free time I have once I stop checking my blog roll every couple hours. ;)

♥ee

On people who write to their future spouse: (Originally posted on Tumblr)

2011-11-03T14:46:00.000-07:00

It’s kind of weird to me. I mean, I did it. I’ll admit it. I was caught up in a fantasy spun for me by years of a reading diet consisting of Joshua Harris, the Ludy’s, etc. But it was just that - a fantasy. You know why?

Because I didn’t know my future husband, so I couldn’t very well write to him, could I? Instead, I formulated this magical Christian man in my mind, this knight, this prince of godly living, and wrote letters to him.

How was I to know that my future husband would barely even be able to read those things I’d written, since English wasn’t his first language? How was I to know that the majority of the letters would not even be relevant to him because he was an unbeliever? He IS my “future husband” but those letters weren’t written to him, they were written to an unrealistic ideal I drummed up in my mind.

It doesn’t make sense, and I’d propose it’s even unhealthy, spiritually and emotionally. It makes you forget that your husband will firstly be real, and secondly be human. Most of these notes I see tossed about on Tumblr are also focused on how this real human is somehow going to be focused on you, always. That is not marriage. In marriage, you are the one who must seek to help him, without the expectation of him helping you back. This not male-female specific: each must be focused on the needs of the other. But guess what? Even if the other is not focused on your needs, you must still persist in focusing on theirs, because that’s what marriage is. It is persistently and consciously demonstrating Christ’s love for the other, even when they are not loving you back.

Your husband/wife will not be some spiritual superman that is going to catapult you into a godly life of sainthood. Only God capable of that. But your husband will be a real human who gives you a chance to experience the despondent torment of hell, as well as a glimmer of the peace, joy, and unconditional love of heaven while still on this earth.

Seven Quick Takes!

2011-10-28T13:16:00.000-07:00

1. Yesterday, my daughter was sick with a stomach virus. It was terrible. I don't know that there is any more tortuous moment-by-moment difficulty to sit through than watching someone who is so precious to you, and so helpless, go through so much pain. It made me pause for a moment and think about how maybe this is how our Heavenly Father feels when He sees us trapped in the bondage, corruption, and sickness of sin. How heart-breaking to be sitting with the child you love and see them continue in the way of pain and sickness, refusing to take the medicine, to see the Physician. We are so helpless to untangle ourselves from sin!

Thank God He loves us so much. All I could do was pray that He take away her flu, even if it meant giving it to me. So He did. (Stupid, stupid -- why didn't I pray He would take it away and protect me?) Hahaha, anyways, it looks like it was just a short 12-hour bug that needed to work it's way through our systems.

2. I am very excited about Mason Slater's new series "Adventures of a Young Biblicist". Read Part One here.
I tried to get into Moody Bible College. I didn't. I was so heartbroken at the time, I so badly wanted to be the new hope of Evangelical women everywhere, to assure them their Bible studies didn't have to be trite, with flowers on the cover. I was very full of myself, if you couldn't tell. :) After my rejection, I went to visit a friend who had made the cut, getting into the Vocal Performance program. While there, I had a conversation with a girl who believed certain music was inherently evil because it made you "want to move in a sensuous manner". I literally had to pick up my jaw off the floor when she said she believed it was a sexual sin to dance with anyone who wasn't your a) relative or b) husband. I just wondered, what other sexual sins are there that are ok to perform with your relatives?? :P Anyways, from that visit on, I was very grateful I was rejected. My poor soul would have been shredded there, I'm sure.

3. I got to visit the book store yesterday! I picked up three books I'm very excited about:

The World Treasury of Modern Religious Thought ($4.25)
Desire of the Everlasting Hills: The World Before and After Jesus (Hinges of History) By Thomas Cahill (a signed copy! - $12.50)
The Way of a Pilgrim: and The Pilgrim Continues His Way ($.50)

I'm pretty delighted.

4. I'm liking this song:

"All I Could Do" by Kimya Dawson from her upcoming LP "Thunder Thighs". Lyrics:

"I had a show a few weeks ago
its getting harder and harder to sing
and it is hard to focus on my guitar
playing when inside a baby is kicking

At first I was sad and scared
cause this is all I know how to do
then John and Peter played standing up
sometimes something will change and that change
will change you.

then I thought back to six years ago
when Brian Pilkton told me to play
he gave me a car, a typewriter, a guitar
before that all I could do was count days.

then I thought back to before my coma
rehab into coma, my junkie roommates
all that I knew how to do was put cigarettes
out on my self, I took pills and I drank.

and I thought back to when I was 15
how I was squeaky clean, and I wanted to die
I was feeding the homeless while combating loneliness
all that I could do was keep living a lie.

then I think back to that 12 year old poet
how she didn’t know it was what she would be
all she could do was hide under her bed
scared to death that somebody might read her diary

see I have changed and I’ll keep on changing
and maybe my songwriting will suffer
but its okay if at the end of the day
all i can do next is just be a good mother
its okay if at the end of the day all i can do next
is be a good mother."

*Sniff*

5. I love the blog Pithless Thoughts. Mostly for stuff like this:

6. I never thought of this before, but stumbled across this quote about the way we talk about breast cancer:

“
“The really frustrating thing about the “Save the boobies” campaign and similar ones is that it gets it exactly backward. Often, the point of breast cancer treatment is to destroy some or all of the boobies in order to save the woman.
Saying that we should work to cure this disease because it threatens breasts is really upsetting. For starters, it suggests that women are worth saving because they’re attached to breasts, rather than the other way around. But worse, it tells any woman who’s had a life-saving mastectomy that she’s given up the thing that made people care about her survival. What a punch in the stomach.”
- Randall Munroe, writer of xkcd
”

7. Oh, and even though I just bought three books, I've already added another one to the list: A Heart for Freedom: The Remarkable Journey of a Young Dissident, Her Daring Escape, and Her Quest to Free China's Daughters.

Oh and a bonus: Here's a picture of a cat I drew with my eyes closed on Paint:

Thanks to Jen for hosting!

What do Converts Want?

2011-10-13T12:19:00.000-07:00

This was the question posed by lovely blogger SimplyOrthodox, quoting from Terry Mattingly's article at the Antiochian Orthodox Christian Archdiocese of North America website:

On one level, many Orthodox converts are fleeing megachurch Christianity. They are coming because they want something on Sunday morning besides a rock band and a giant plasma TV screen.
At the same time, I believe that most of these converts are coming out of that core 20 percent of their former churches. They are active, highly motivated people. They read, they think, they sing, and they serve. That hunger for more, that hunger for sound doctrine, is sending them to Orthodoxy.

This is my answer in response to the question. What do I want?

Honestly, sometimes I just really want the Eucharist. I want Sacraments that don’t just represent reality, but ARE reality. I want a real community that includes the Saints that have gone before. I want Mary, too. I don’t want my worship and doctrine to be based on my own limited and faulty knowledge and hermenuetic methods. I want the guidance of an authority, I want to draw from the rich knowledge of the Church Fathers.

Two weeks ago at my church, we took communion. The bread felt dry in my mouth, and the encouragement towards “self-reflection” and prayer rang hollow. My stomach was twisting and I felt ashamed, like I was play-acting at something that other Churches have for real.

My church is a good church: we aren’t a mega-church, ringing in at about 80 people every Sunday. There is no flashy music, ooey-gooey worship, or a vainglorious pastor. In fact, the musicians learned to play so that we could have music. Our pastor didn’t want to be a pastor, but was the only person who could. Every Sunday you can come and hear honest Bible preaching that walks that fine line of love and judgment perfectly.

But at the end of the day, it isn’t enough. My church is not bad: it’s simply incomplete. Some protestants would stone me for saying this, but the Bible alone is not enough and it was never meant to be. God instilled in us the need for true community, not the simple “we go to the same church” community most protestants experience. God gave us sacraments for a reason, and that reason is not merely a symbol — it is a reality.

I want that reality.

Criteria for the Comparing of Traditions

2011-10-05T13:27:00.000-07:00

While investigating the possibility of converting to a big "C" Church, I must consider to which I would convert. I find beauty and wisdom in both the "East" and "West", both Roman Catholicism and Orthodoxy.

The difficulty for me is with what criteria would I make this decision? Doesn't it require me to revert back to my Protestant mindset, determining for myself which Church best interprets the passages concerning the papacy, or which interprets the Church Fathers in the way I most see fit?

Or do I revert to that other Protestant fallacy of following my feelings, just going with my gut about which one I feel better about?

Feel free to chime in here, readers! If you are RC or Orthodox, why did you choose to go that way? I've asked this question before, and the answer I almost always receive (from RC) is the papacy - but why? Why do you believe the RC got the papacy right while the Orthodox are mistaken?

I really would love to hear answers on this one, so please comment!

♥ee

Book Review: "Fyodor Dostoevsky" by Peter Leithart

2011-10-02T12:16:00.000-07:00

I recently received the book "Fyodor Dostoevsky" by Peter Leithart. This is a part of a series published by Thomas Nelson called "Christian Encounters". The design of the book is lovely. The paperback has a lovely texture, with a nice woodcut style portrait on the cover. The color scheme (black and yellow) seems like it would be garish, but actually looks quite nice. Aside from the design, the writing was good, but not exemplary.

I expected this to be a brief, but scholastic style biography which would focus on the spirituality of Dostoevsky. However, it actually was styled as you would expect a fiction book to be. That is, it posed hypothetical conversations between Dostoevsky and his peers, peppered with quotes from his writings and the writings of those who knew him. This caused some of the dialogue to sound odd and unrealistic, as you could tell when the author switched from his own imaginings to quotes pulled from literature.

That being said, this book did give me more insight into the great Russian author. It gave me historical insight on the politics of Russia during Dostoevsky's lifetime, and the fiction-style writing prevented it from becoming too heavy. Being a working mom, I need something with substance that I can pick up and read in the short, fragmented free time available to me.

I can see this book being available to middle-school age students who are interested in learning about Christians in history. I also would recommend it to the person who wants to learn a bit about Dostoevsky's life, but who doesn't have time for something of great length. It also has a fantastic reference list that could serve as further reading on the subject of Dostoevsky's life.

My only wish is that I got more spirituality in the book. The religious sometimes got swallowed up with the political, and made him seem like not much of a "great" Christian. There were some spiritual insights presented, but not enough for my liking. Although I yearned for more spirituality, it also reassured me that even the "great" Christians in history had their flaws.

Now that I know what to expect, I think I would read more books from the series. Specifically interesting to me would be Saint Francis, Saint, Nicholas, and Saint Patrick, all of which are available from Thomas Nelson in the "Christian Encounters" series. Besides, since the cover is so striking to me, I wouldn't mind having several more just for the visual effect it would make on my bookshelf. :)

I received this book for free from Booksneeze for review. I did not have to give a positive review. This review reflects my honest thoughts on the book.

The Book that Made Your World by Vishal Mangalwadi

2011-09-17T12:41:00.000-07:00

When I chose this book to review, I had the completely wrong idea about it. I was expecting a simplified "Did you know...?" approach to the impact the Bible has had on modern day civilization. This was definitely the wrong impression. Vishal Mangalwadi's book is more of a mixture of personal anecdotes alongside broad strokes of history that illustrate the contributions of the Bible to the realms of philosophy, technology, education, and politics.

Reading Mangalwadi's account of the Indian perspective of the Bible was fascinating and illuminating. In writing this book, he is facing head-on a main charge from many secularists today: mainly, that the Bible is a harmful force in society, a force that deconstructs and overturns culture and knowledge. Mangalwadi, through his account of history, illustrates the vital role the Bible has played in developing Western civilization.

I think this book is a solid resource for Christians who desire to know how the Bible impacted Western civilization. I would not, however, reccomend the book to those who disagree as Mangalwadi's bias is very strong throughout the book. I also disliked how strictly Protestant the book was. I would have enjoyed more on the impact of different traditions as well. Mangalwadi's writing also gets bogged down by lengthy quotes at some points. I read this as an e-book, and sometimes they are more distracting in that format than in print.

I recieved this book from Booksneeze for review, and gave my honest opinion.

2011-09-14T13:15:00.001-07:00

An odd (or maybe not too odd, maybe it should have been expected) thing happened to me the other night.

It has been a difficult time for our family and I was feeling lonely. More than that. I was on the brink of despair. My journey with Christ had progressed so far, and now — I was feeling like I was two steps away from the dark places I had spent so long without Him.

I felt alienated from my parents, my spouse, my friends, and even my God. My heart longed for comfort, for the gentle touch of the presence of God…I closed my eyes.

In my mind, images sprung up. Memories of sounds and smells. Images of icons, vestments, and a procession. And then…peace. Comfort. And a different kind of longing. A hopeful, eager longing.

My memories of the single Divine Liturgy I attended back in December last year broke through my heart, which had begun already to harden toward God. It was truly a memorable thing. Certainly something that never happened in all the rest of my years attending my Protestant church.

On Not Converting

2011-09-02T12:47:00.000-07:00

I think I will never find a theological home. Maybe it is just not meant to be. My home is Christ and I take no titles. Why do I desire to have a label? I do not wear Orthodox or Catholic, but Protestant feels too constricting, Reformed chokes away my breath, and Evangelical is a slippery thing that refuses to stay in my grasp.

I feel like Israel calling out for a king. I am envious. I want community. I want to be a part of something larger. I want an image I can look to, people with flesh to lean upon, and something to be loyal to.

Christ is calling me to be at home with Him. Let Him fulfill these desires packed away into my heart. Let Him, for this time, be my doctrine, my catechism, my High Priest. Let Him be my Inspiration, my Image, let Him have my fealty.

I know to some this is me, proudly saying I am a Protestant. I know some will see this as a rejection of the Church. That is not what this is.

This is me humbly saying that the only Truth I know is Christ, and He has not made it known where I should go. This is me saying that my pride is constantly before me, and any decision I make at this point would be motivated by what I think I understand, would be motivated by my enchantment with novelty, and my weakness for rituals, stories, history, and beauty.

Maybe to some it is foolishness. I know much about the Church and hasn't God given me my intellect to discern truth? But no, no -- it doesn't feel right, my gut revolts and my spirit feels ill-at-ease with the thought of actual conversion and not the simple play-acting I've been doing. And feelings are a gift of God as much as the intellect.

If God would have me convert, He will make it so. Of this I am confident. But for now, I feel His hand on my shoulder, telling me, "Slow down, my child. You cannot love my Church more than you love me."

♥ee

Opening the Door to Tradition

2011-08-28T10:56:00.000-07:00

I had a conversation today with my parents. It was about the lack of authority within the Protestant church. That is, are there any right answers? Can we know what is true? Can we really have the fullness of the faith within a Protestant church?

It was a very enlightening conversation. It went well. There were raised voices, but in my family, raised voices simply mean you are having a good discussion. :) It surprised me, the things they had issues with. The communion of saints (and, consequently, prayer to Mary & the Saints) was one. I don't know why this surprised me. I guess I just figured the Church is ONE, not two (one living and one dead). I ask my pastor to pray for me, so why not a Saint? However, they strictly divide living Christian from the dead and believe there is no longer any interaction between the two. I'll have to review that doctrine so that I can discuss it more fully with them in the future.

I did think it odd that my mom thought of Catholics as having "spiritist" tendencies, which never really stood out to me.

Anyways, the only thing I wanted to accomplish was for them to take a more serious look at the claims of Tradition instead of just writing them off because they are uncomfortable or because they disagree. The churches of Tradition make big claims that are worthy of investigation, even if you do end up disagreeing. But it isn't right to simply condemn them without proper investigation.

I've been delaying discussing any of this with them for quite some time, but today I just dove in. I don't want to be on this journey alone, and I'm hoping I can entice them into investigating with me. If I can even open the door a crack, I will be relieved.

Welcome!

2011-08-23T12:11:00.000-07:00

I wanted to take a moment and welcome any new readers coming my way thanks to the post over at Shameless Popery! I had to hurry and make my blog look nice for you all. :) I plan on posting new content soon, focusing much of my energy on writing a significant post on the obstacles in the way of conversion and a book review of Frederica-Mathewes-Green's book The Jesus Prayer: The Ancient Desert Prayer that Tunes the Heart to God.

Please feel free to introduce yourself in the comments section and let me know (if applicable) what was your biggest obstacle in converting?

What I'm Reading Wednesday

2011-08-10T09:16:00.000-07:00

1. Heaven by Randy Alcorn

In the short time I've been reading this book, I've gained an entirely refreshed perspective of the Christian faith. The book is divided into three parts (the Theology of Heaven, Questions about Heaven, and Living in Light of Heaven), with several sections within each part, and several chapters within each section. That sounds like a lot, and for what I've been reading lately, it is, ringing in at 473 pages. However, it has never once sounded heavy or difficult. It never has that dissertation-y vibe that many scholarly theological books give. I am 115 pages in, and Alcorn consistently been clear, concise, and vivid in his writing. I would recommend this book to Christian who struggles with Heaven (thinking it may be boring, or terrifying) or anyone in general who wants to understand the hope of Christianity (the bodily resurrection & New Earth).

I also must say that this book resoundingly dispels what I've heard from so many Catholics talking about the communion of Saints: Protestants believe that you just sit on a cloud for eternity strumming a harp or something. No, no no -- this is almost as preposterous as the idea that Catholics worship Mary. :)

2. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Book 7) by J.K. Rowling

A tremendous fact of great books is that you can read them over and over and they never wear out -- that is, the story is never boring, even if you're reading it for the umpteenth time. So I've been re-reading the Harry Potter series, starting from the Order of the Phoenix. It's been awhile since I read them, and the depth of storytelling that Rowling demonstrates just knocks me flat. I find myself enjoying them and taking note of things I'd either never noticed before or had forgotten. These books really do deserve every ounce of attention they've gotten.

3.If Protestantism is True by Devin Rose

I must admit I hesitated with whether or not I should include this book. I haven't picked it up in awhile because it is exhausted to read something you disagree with. Constantly formulating possible counters or "yes, but.."s can just wear on a reader. In fact, this book is what made me pick up the Harry Potter books again: I needed something familiar. I will try to post a more thorough review later, but for now I will say this: Rose's book is accessible, clear, and compelling.

So...

2011-07-25T09:57:00.000-07:00

blogger, are you working now?

Apparently, yes. Frustratingly enough, for close to a week now, my blogger has decided to delete all my words and display my posts empty. Very frustrating. It really made me consider moving to Wordpress, but then I had a look-see and it seemed very intimidating. :) I had a marvelous post all written out about all sorts of beautiful things with wonderful words...but that was all deleted, so now you'll have to deal with this poorly written substitution. :P

So, last time my post was actually displayed properly, I believe I was crying out for somebody to pull me away from Catholicism. Well, I realized in my over-zealous searching for spiritual truth, for the "true Church", I was neglecting what was truly important: Christ. Reading the Bible and prayer seemed secondary to reading up on theological proofs & apologetic articles, etc. God really kicked me in the pants to bring back my focus.

Even though I have backed off a bit, I haven't given up by any means. There are still several things about Catholicism that make my gut go "Eeerg": first, the Eucharist. It is a very beautiful idea, indeed. And if it is true, it is most holy! But if they are not right about the Eucharist, aren't they guilty of idolatry? They do even worship the Eucharist, don't they? My Catholic theology is a bit hazy so apologies if that is incorrect.

Second, a slew of Marian stuff. This shouldn't surprise anyone, as I think all Protestants have issues with this. First off let me say the issue for me is not prayers to Mary or the veneration of her. I do however feel like...hmmm, how shall I say this? there is "extra-meat" on the Catholic teachings of Mary. The Immaculate Conception I understand, is logical, but that does not mean it is truth. It may be fitting in our human eyes, but we can't understand God's ways. The idea of her being the "New Eve" is a perfect image that I can grasp, and love, but to have this role does not make her complete lack of sin necessary. I do not find the title "full of grace" to be compelling enough for my belief in Mary's freedom from sin. Also, her role as co-redemptrix (which isn't dogma, but has been around for awhile) just doesn't sit well. I must admit that I am drawn to the freedom from these troubling doctrines that is present in the Orthodox Church.

That is all for now. I will continue seeking my Lord, and place trust in His lovingkindness and His Holy Spirit to guide me to His Church, or to keep me firmly planted in place, if I am where He desires me to be. I implore Him to keep me safe from leaning on my own understanding or the wisdom of men in this journey.

♥ee

2011-07-22T18:17:00.001-07:00

Book Review: Bad Girls of the Bible by Liz Curtis Higgs

2011-07-02T06:40:00.000-07:00

I must confess I had already read Liz Curtis Higgs book Bad Girls of the Bible once, when I was younger and still a (mostly) good girl. Even then, when I read it, I loved it. Higgs has an unusual format of writing: first, a contemporary re-write of a biblical story, then an almost verse-by-verse dissection and teaching, followed by a summary of lessons to be learned, and ended with discussion questions.

Now as a mother, wife, and former “bad girl” I find wisdom and comfort in Higgs’ teaching. When I reach the point of feeling like I am going to pull my own hair out if I have to be compared to that hypothetical, ultimate good-girl, the Proverbs 31 Woman, one more time, I reach for Liz Curtis Higgs for good, down to earth teaching, with a little bad girl flair.

Her conversational tone makes this an easy read and her rock-solid teaching makes it well worth the time. Please check out Bad Girls from the Bible.

I received this book from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group for this review. It didn't have to be positive, but this just happens to be a phenomenal book.

Problems of Historical Context & Canon in Protestantism

2011-06-28T11:01:00.000-07:00

It’s a curious thing — a lot of well-informed Protestants will talk very much about how historical context is vital to properly understanding the Bible. This is so true, but why don’t we apply it to other things — the Nicene Creed for example? What did the original authors, in 325, as well as those who added to it in 381, mean when they said “one holy catholic and apostolic Church,” or “one baptism for the remission of sins”? We can’t go back and read it through the lens of the Reformation, because it hadn’t happened. Do to that is sloppy theology & history. We must read it through the lens of the original authors.

I don’t know the answer quite yet, but I’m going to keep searching.

Another difficulty — canon for the Bible was not closed until 1500s. How does a Protestant justify trusting the church to put together a “infallible & authoritative” collection of scripture if the church you are relying on is fallible and with no authority? How can a “lesser-than” authority define a “greater-than” authority?
Please, fellow Protestants, convince me to stay!

My First Catholic (half) Mass

2011-06-27T09:43:00.000-07:00

Mass was disappointing. I got lost trying to find the church, so I went to another. The people were unfriendly and I only made it through half the homily because the woman in front of me & my daughter kept shooting us dirty looks and even stuck her fingers in her ears at one point. My daughter is a one year old. She gets antsy. But that is no reason to be unwelcoming and rude.

I left feeling hurt, angry, and disappointed. One of the worst church experiences I’ve had in my life.
What truly pained me was the fact that this woman did not know my story, she didn't know if I was lost & searching desperately for truth, or if I had already found salvation. One thing I know is that if this was my only experience with the Church, I would never return. And that breaks my heart: who knows who else has been turned away by the unloving attitude of this particular woman in this certain Church? How often does this happen in churches all over the country, the world? It makes my heart break.

Dreams & Mass

2011-06-26T04:27:00.001-07:00

Two nights ago I had a dream. I was sitting in a church -- nothing fancy, no obvious markings, just a wooden building with wooden pews. In front, there was something like a table (perceived in my mind in the dream as an altar). Jesus Christ was laying on the table and I could see blood pouring out His wounds on His hands. I had pain in my heart as I watched and started crying. He sat up, and stood on the floor in front of the pews, and tears started streaming down my eyes. He walked down the center aisle. I felt so guilty and joyful, sinful and redeemed. He stopped in the aisle and turned to look at me, I had to turn my face away, weeping. I was so ashamed. I don't remember anything else except He said "it's okay" and it was. He left me and continued His walk down the aisle.

The dream breaks down here, as then everyone got in a circle and started singing nonsense worship songs like loonies. It made me think, though: if what Catholics believe about the Eucharist is true, wouldn't it be worth it to leave everything else just for the sake of it alone? Of course Catholicism is a package deal so I can't take the Eucharist and leave Marianism. It just doesn't work that way.

I'm going to a Catholic church for the first time EVER today. Please pray for me.

What Are You Waiting For?: The One Thing No One Ever Tells You About Sex by Dannah Gresh

2011-06-08T13:21:00.000-07:00

This book blew me away.

Surprisingly, I had never before read anything written by Gresh. I say surprisingly because there was a time in my life when I read every book I could get my hands on about dating and purity (the Ludy’s books, Elisabeth Elliot’s Passion and Purity, the list goes on and on). Since I had read all those books, plus several books on sex within marriage, I wasn’t sure that I would encounter anything new. God wants us to have sex, just within marriage – for 175 pages was what I was expecting. What I got, however, was totally new and fascinating, even as a married woman with a child!

I do advise that this book is for young women, not older girls: I would recommend it for a mature high school student (maybe about 17 and above), simply because I believe the books requires an emotional maturity as well as the straightforward way it addresses issues like porn, masturbation, and lesbianism. And I wouldn’t limit the audience to females: in fact, I was surprised the publishers did! I feel this book has tremendous insights for young men concerning pornography and the proper way to adore a woman.

Please give this book a read, whether you are 17 or 47, male or female I’m sure you can find wisdom in it.

*I received this book for free from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group for this review and I'm so glad I did!

The Voice of Robert Desnos

2011-06-06T12:06:00.000-07:00

So like a flower and a current of air
the flow of water fleeting shadows
the smile glimpsed at midnight this excellent evening
so like every joy and every sadness
it is the midnight past lifting its naked body above belfries and poplars
I call to me those lost in the fields
old skeletons young oaks cut down
scraps of cloth rotting on the ground and linen drying in farm country
I call tornadoes and hurricanes
storms typhoons cyclones
tidal waves
earthquakes
I call the smoke of volcanoes and the smoke of cigarettes
the rings of smoke from expensive cigars
I call lovers and loved ones
I call the living and the dead
I call gravediggers I call assassins
I call hangmen pilots bricklayers architects
assassins
I call the flesh
I call the one I love
I call the one I love
I call the one I love
the jubilant midnight unfolds its satin wings and perches on my bed
the belfries and the poplars bend to my wish
the former collapse the latter bow down
those lost in the fields are found in finding me
the old skeletons are revived by my voice
the young oaks cut down are covered with foliage
the scraps of cloth rotting on the ground and in the earth
 snap to at the sound of my voice like a flag of rebellion
the linen drying in farm country clothes adorable women 
 whom I do not adore
who come to me
obeying my voice, adoring
tornadoes revolve in my mouth
hurricanes if it is possible redden my lips
storms roar at my feet
typhoons if it is possible ruffle me
I get drunken kisses from the cyclones
the tidal waves come to die at my feet
the earthquakes do not shake me but fade completely
 at my command
the smoke of volcanoes clothes me with its vapors
and the smoke of cigarettes perfumes me
and the rings of cigar smoke crown me
loves and love so long hunted find refuge in me
lovers listen to my voice
the living and the dead yield to me and salute me
 the former coldly the latter warmly
the gravediggers abandon the hardly-dug graves
 and declare that I alone may command their nightly work
the assassins greet me
the hangmen invoke the revolution
invoke my voice
invoke my name
the pilots are guided by my eyes
the bricklayers are dizzied listening to me
the architects leave for the desert
the assassins bless me
flesh trembles when I call

the one I love is not listening
the one I love does not hear
the one I love does not answer.

(via How to Read a Poem: And Fall in Love with Poetry)

Seven Quick Takes Friday

2011-06-03T08:30:00.000-07:00

1. I signed up to receive free books in exchange for reviews! Check out BookSneeze and Blogging for Books if you would like to do the same.

2. This past Sunday, my church morning study group finished going through the study of Elijah. I must admit that up to this past year, I've been primarily a "New Testament Christian" -- that is, one who only reads and studies the New Testament. I was intimidated by the Old Testament and was frightened that if I took the time to read or study anything therein, that I might lose my faith. It sounds strange to say, but it was true. I didn't like reading anything past the Psalms and Proverbs. I did not enjoy learning about that vengeful God of the Old Testament. I was afraid I would be unable to reconcile "that God" with Jesus Christ of the New Testament.

However, after bravely treading into those waters, both by myself with the M'Cheyne Bible reading plan & the study on Sundays, I've found that the Old Testament illuminates the New in a revealing and beautiful way. The pieces slowly come together, and as I finally (slowly) read the Bible as a complete work for the first time, I also feel as if I am truly meeting God for who He really is -- not just who I imagined or desired Him to be. And it is 100% worth it.

3. After listening to Ancient Faith Radio's Coffee Cup Commentary on James 2:25-26, I decided to do a little Googling on the passage and Sola Fide. I found this little gem and can't wait to dig into the website a little more! I don't want to "endorse" it per se, because I haven't read enough to know how legit it is -- but this particle article certainly gave me lots to think about!

4. My mother and father went on vacation to Florida for their 25th anniversary! I hope they have fun and pray that they are kept safe!

5. My awesome brother and his wife graciously gave my family their desktop and it's running beautifully! They even threw in Adobe CS4 with the deal! So now, I'm going to try to make my own graphics and learn CSS.

6. I lost my New American Standard Bible I was using for daily study. I have no idea how one loses a Bible, but I hope somebody found it & is finding blessings in its pages & my handwritten notes. :) Of course, that means I get to buy another Bible, right?? I'm thinking of getting an RSV this time. I've been in love with the NASB since I was a freshman in college, but I have another printing so I don't want to buy another. Anyone have any recommendations? Right now I have a NASB, NIV, and TNIV. I prefer more literal translations -- so no Good News Version or NLT or NCV. I think its between NKJV, RSV, or ESV.

7. St. Therese de Lisieux is kicking my butt. Just sayin'.

"The Waiting Place: Learning to Appreciate Life's Little Delays" by Eileen Button

2011-06-02T18:23:00.000-07:00

When I first chose this book, I expected it to be a guide: a kind of how-to for Christians who find themselves in a position of waiting. In actuality, it is a collection of autobiographic stories and essays from various "waiting places" in the author's life. I was caught off guard by the author's conversational, informal style (using phrases like "wicked dark" for example), but in the end, this manner of writing helped me connect to the author in a human way.

While I found one essay (“Lessons in Humility: I am waiting for my dignity to return) insulting and condescending, overall I felt a tremendous amount of affection for the author. She has a personal style and a distinctly human style. She never became a caricature or pretended to be something she wasn’t, which made for a compelling read as I began to care for her and watch her develop. In that way, this book stands out among the Christian genre: there is no pretentious façade of “the pastor’s wife”, only a real person with real struggles. Somebody you want to go out to coffee with.

The Waiting Place: Learning to Appreciate Life's Little Delays is a tremendous book when it’s presented as-is: not a how-to or guide, but a memoir of sorts, the recollections one gathers through life. It’s wisdom given in stories, not bullet points. Humorous and sorrowful, sardonic and insightful, this book will appeal to all who have wondered how to make the best of waiting.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com <http://BookSneeze®.com> book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Giveaway!

2011-05-30T06:34:00.000-07:00

Raising Homemakers is hosting an awesome giveaway for their first birthday! They are a great resource for those of us figuring out how to raise daughters with the skills they will need if they choose to become homemakers, even if we weren't raised with those skills ourselves. Check it out!

What I'm Reading Wednesday

2011-05-25T00:00:00.000-07:00

This is the first installment of what is to be a regular type of post. Not promising it will be weekly, because I don't read that fast. :)

1. The Story of a Soul (L'Histoire d'une Âme): The Autobiography of St. Thérèse of Lisieux With Additional Writings and Sayings of St. Thérèse

I have just recently began this one, as I am starting to peer between the curtains of the Roman Catholic Church. I am fascinated by the ritual, the unity, and the beauty of the Church -- much like I was enamored with the Orthodox, except I have more theological issues, I think, with the RCC than the Eastern Orthodox. I have only just started this book -- it was a free download from Amazon for the Kindle, and I can't wait to get a more in-depth look at this Saint to help me understand what a RCC Saint looks like.

2. Humanitarian Jesus: Social Justice and the Cross by Christian Buckley & Ryan Dobson

The title explains it all for this one. I would definitely recommend it to any who has an interest in "social justice". Also those who have a "feed their soul, then their body" attitude might like to take a look. It has some great nuggets of wisdom, like this one:

"Evangelism is allowing Christ to so live in and through us that who we are, what we do, and what we say become the very expression of who He is, what He did, and what He said...we don't meet needs because it gives us the chance to share Christ, but because it is a part of who Christ is, and if He is in us, it is part of who we are. We are not just sharing a message but reflecting the One who sends it. Christ reflected His Father in who He was, what He said, and what He did. In the same way, we should reflect Christ in all that we are, say, and do." (Humanitarian Jesus, pg. 52 -53)

The book is divided into two sections: the first is an exploration of Jesus as a humanitarian and the relationship between evangelism and social justice. The second is full of interviews with evangelical leaders who lead humanitarian ministries, including Francis Chan, Tony Campolo, and Ron Sider. So far, it has challenged me thoroughly, and I am muchly excited for the interviews.

3. How to Read a Poem: And Fall in Love with Poetry by Edward Hirsch

Edward Hirsch has been a favorite of mine since reading his book Poet's Choice (HIGHLY recommended for anyone even remotely interested in reading, writing, or understanding poetry). I find this book to be a bit denser than Poet's Choice, but so far, no less rewarding. It has introduced me to several beautiful poems I had never read before and the Hirsch writes with such lyricism that the prose feels almost like a poem itself.

So, what are YOU reading? Any recommendations?

I've been here before.

2011-05-23T12:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I had a meltdown.

Mia was wide awake by 6:30 a.m. and consequently, so were Andres and I.. We hadn't slept well anyway, since Mia was awake with an itchy, bumpy diaper rash most the night. The day started off well: picture perfect, in fact. We had breakfast with eggs (I accidentally boiled only one each; no biggie, just throw a couple extra in the pot) and toast (oops forgot the toast, too -- still, easy fix, right?), then sitting down to eat, Mia scratching at our laps, spilling egg shells & digging them out of the trash. Brush teeth, comb hair, get dressed -- how did we wake up so early and STILL manage to be running late?! Pressure building....Husband talking (about my house-cleaning habits), baby crying, car seat acting up...and I here I snap.

Such small things piling, one on top of another, and I just cracked. I pulled Mia out of her car seat (the straps were too tight; I couldn't fit her in and also couldn't loosen them), I slammed the car door shut and stomped inside like a child, leaving my coffee on top of my car and my bags in the driveway.

I slumped down on the couch and started bawling my eyes out. I was missing Sunday School, which I look forward to every week. Andres asked me what was wrong and I tried to explain, but realized it sounded like gibberish which made me more upset.

Its times like those that I feel broken. Not broken that spiritual sense, not broken in that philosophical, seeing-your-own-humanity way. I felt broken like a toy monkey that should be able to clang its cymbals together, but one arm is dragging and the other just feebly moves from side-to-side.

This is how depression hits me: like a piano on top of the head. I can't keep the house clean, my schedule is slightly behind at work, and ants somehow always crawl back no matter how much I sweep, spray, or squash them. I've been here before and I know the only way out is through the grace of God or not at all.

Fat Files

2011-05-17T10:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I mentioned the fat files, from Elizabeth George's book A Woman After God's Own Heart®. Basically, it's a method to focus your spiritual growth. She reccomends obtaining five files or folders and designating each on to a certain subject you desire to know more about. She sugggests topics of "eternal value". She suggests several things ranging from the practical (hospitality, health, Bible study methods), to the theological (faith, attributes of God) to ministry (women, biblical counseling, serving) to the personal (patience, widowhood, self-control).

To help select subjects, she suggests asking certain questions, like "What do you want to be known for"?

This is perfect for the hoarder like myself. I love researching, collecting, and storing information. The difficult part for me is narrowing it down to five. I've only settled on one for sure, and am struggling over the others.

Possibilities I'm weighing include designating each for the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, communion, the Church, Ancient Chrisitanity/the Early Church, prophesy, sanctification....the list goes on and on.

So what would YOU choose for your five fat files?

2011-05-16T10:08:00.000-07:00

Its been a difficult time. I've picked up a job, which I am truly content with, but I am not content with the way it effects my home.

Just when I felt like I was hitting a rhythm of housework and parenting, this job comes in a trips me up. Of course I, being of a melancholic nature, despaired. I feel like I am failing my daughter, my husband, and worse - God.

Of course the idea of failing God is kind of silly, isn't it? If I feel like I've failed Him, then that kind of means I also feel like I am providing something to Him. The reality is there is nothing I can provide for God. He is the provider, and when I start working for Him because I feel like I need to provide for Him or because He relies on me (like, for example, my husband or daughter or job), I am simply indulging my pride. I am also assuredly going to fail.

I am trying not to let myself be bonded to despair. Death, fatigue, despair, failure --- these are no match for my Savior's grace. His grace is sufficient.

♥ee

(PS - needed a spiritual jumpstart, so I'm working on creating my five fat files, per Elizabeth George! Perfect for a pack-rat idea collector like myself!)

2011-03-02T16:43:00.000-08:00

Anyone here who reads my Tumblr will know my mood's been on the upswing lately. I recently discovered Fr. Peter Gillquist will be holding a talk at a local Orthodox church -- the same one, in fact, that I attended for my first liturgy. I am so excited. I literally dreamed about it last night. I am also considering talking with my parents about Orthodoxy this week and inviting them along.

My family has had a tradition of fasting from something during Lent. In the past, I've done chocolate, caffeine, gum -- things like that. This year I've decided to go vegetarian. It will definitely be a journey, but I'm looking forward to it. So far, I've made tofu stir-fry with the "General's" sauce, kale (I LOVE KALE!!), eggs, & rice (did I mention I am not excluding eggs & cheese? Mainly because they come on my WIC checks), and a salsa bake. If you have any recommendations for me, send them my way! I am currently using this guide, but let me know.

2011-02-23T18:43:00.000-08:00

Today I begin my month-long journey as a faux single mom. Andres left for Ecuador early this morning as I was curled in bed with the flu. And it wasn't just a little touch of the flu, either. It was the twisting-gut-pulling-wrenching pain flu. I was up every hour of the night vomiting. But mom agreed to take baby, I took some medicine and passed out solid until about 11 am.

I'm nervous and excited to see what this next month brings. Uuuuugh I just saw one of these crawl across my floor. It was seriously almost too big to squash. If I see it again, I'm gonna catch it & put it out. :| REALLY wishing Andres was here now!

Salvation with Chairs & Welcomes

2011-02-20T20:06:00.000-08:00

A big thank you to Fr. Huneycutt from ORTHODIXIE blog for posting this. This really is worth your time. It moved me. The Orthodox view sounds so moving when placed directly beside the Protestant. But then, maybe that's the passion of the narrator leaking through.

Just to get my thoughts in order - things encouraging me to pursue Orthodoxy: the view of salvation, Sacred Tradition, the beauty and reverence. Things I am scared of: prayers to the saints, and Mary (also the dormition [sp?]), the Greek Septuagint vs. Hebrew Scriptures (still a little fuzzy on this issue, but included in this is the Orthodox aversion to certain translations like the NIV & the preference for the RSV, NKJV, or KJV, none of which I care for. I'm an NASB person myself [my protestant heritage has spoiled me with personal preferences reigning over church preferences]), also I LOVE icons but they are kind of frightening for me too. Things I want to look more into: the view of sin, the history of the Orthodox church.

I really need to talk to my father about this idea of conversion. I am so brave to talk about abstract ideas, but when it's down to myself, it gets very difficult.

I want to welcome any readers who may have stopped by after reading my comments on DD's A Woman's Catholic Journey or Leila's Little Catholic Bubble. I'm on a journey right now, tentatively stepping in the waters of Catholicism (Eastern & Roman)...maybe just sticking my toes in a bit. No conversions are planned right now, but I'm learning SO much from Orthodox & Catholic believers that it is difficult not to want to jump in. :) Plus the idea just keeps nagging at me...

(Side note: any good videos on the Catholic view of salvation? I'm sure I could Google it, but I want to be sure of the quality, hence my asking opinions of readers!)

♥ee

(PS - remember that dream? One word: gleaning. More on this later.)

2011-02-13T19:37:00.000-08:00

Recently I've been anxious. I don't think there's one specific reason why, but (as always) many small things one on top of another. Mia was burning up with fever most of the week after contracting influenza A. We filed our taxes and received our check. Unfortunately, more money = more anxiety. This is always the case with me. Every night I've been falling asleep with knots in my stomach, like I've done something terribly wrong or forgotten something very important. It's not a good feeling at all.

2011-02-04T16:26:00.000-08:00

I awoke yesterday from a dream, feeling as though I'd received a charge from God. Part of me feels ridiculous even admitting this. It's not that I don't think God speaks through dreams, its just I don't think He'd speak to me! It even less makes sense because it was my actual father speaking in the dream, but when I woke up, I felt confident that it was Christ. And the message? Well, as the restaurant in front of us was being hauled away by a pick-up truck, I began wondering where we would eat. Dad (or God, depending on how you look at it) said "I always knew you'd use the land." To which I replied "For what? Food? You mean like a farmer?" He just smiled and looked at me like I had NO idea what was in store. Then I woke up with that residual feeling of God speaking to me.

I have decided to simply pray on it: not forget it or ignore it, or pretend like it never happened, but to hold it in my hand and examine it like a beautiful stone. Because my God can work even through silly dreams.

In other news, it has been decided that we will use our tax refund check to pay off debts and send Andres to Ecuador. He has decided to stay a month. A month is a considerable amount of time to be without a husband or an income. This is a decision made on faith: that God will sustain us, even though the trip means Andres will have to quit his jobs. I am continuing to look for a job (interview on Monday), but no go so far. I am discouraged, but I have been growing substantially during this time of "hardship" (hard for me, though I have so many blessings!), so I will continue to try to make the most of it.

♥ee

Blogs & Books

2011-01-28T19:57:00.000-08:00

I've recently started a new blog. The focus is on creating a dialogue between the pro-life & pro-choice movements. It's about seeing the good in the other and the bad in your own. It is titled [ a l t . ]. Here is an excerpt from the website:

"Alt. is short for “alternative”. I am a “pro-lifer” who wants to explore the weaknesses of both sides, and see how we can foster improvement for society as a whole, even amidst disagreement & debate. I want an alternative.
I hope to foster a discussion between both sides of the debate that takes place in a respectful, gentle manner. (An alternative to the vitriolic debate that thrives in mainstream discussion.) I hope to show that there is good in the “opponent” (whoever yours may be).

I care about women and I care about the unborn. " (What is [ a l t . ]?)

Check it out & feel free to email me if you would like to participate in the discussion. Also, I need a logo. I'll probably just end up using a heart.

In other news, I'm training to participate in a triathlon, still trying to sell AVON. Passages didn't quite pan out, which is okay, because I don't have reliable transportation. I'm reading Crazy Love: Overwhelmed by a Relentless God by Francis Chan and it is amazing. I held off because of the hype around it, but it definitely deserved it. Anyone who thinks they are a Christian should give it a read.

♥ee

2011-01-24T15:59:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile since I posted a picture of my darling daughter. ♥ I "got a new toy camera" (aka I sneaked it out of my mom's house when my little sister wasn't looking). It produces really low-res, lo-fi pictures and has a certain unpredictability that I kind of love, since you can't really see the picture preview. It got terrible reviews on Amazon (Discovery Kids Digital Photo and Video Camera), but I'm having fun.

I am in SUCH a funk right now. Andres is working lots of doubles, I'm sick of housework, and my eyes feel weak from spending too much time in front of the computer, TV, & reading books. Tomorrow I have a job interview with Passages in Columbia City as a part-time Direct Support Professional. It's a company that helps those with intellectual disabilities or other challenges thrive in their day-to-day life through home-care & various mentoring projects. This will definitely push my comfort zone, and I am excited and nervous about the opportunity.

I am also selling AVON now. =) I'm enjoying it quite a bit and made a $20 profit on my first campaign!! Hopefully I can continue to improve. I'm actually learning quite a bit about money management and business through this opportunity. Check out my shop.

What about you all? Are any of you suffering from the post-holidays winter blahs?

♥ee

New Year Resolutions

2011-01-02T16:34:00.000-08:00

1. Transition Mia from co-sleeping to crib. I know this sounds like a given...I mean, she will be a year old in April, but I come from a family of co-sleepers. I was still crawling into bed with my mom when I was five and my sister co-slept until she was at least four years old. Its a tough transition I'm not looking forward to, but I miss sleeping soundly and not waking at every wiggle, grunt, and snort that comes out of my baby's mouth.

2. I hope to have a more active lifestyle this next year. Meaning less screen time and more outdoor time. Mia will be older, so that will make it easier, I'm thinking. In fact, according to my mother if she's like the rest of us kids, she'll never want to come inside. But I want to challenge myself to excercise..."push myself", to use that athletic term I despised in high school. Washboard abs, bulging-yet-feminine-biceps, and sleek solid legs. Oh, and buns of steel, of course.

3. Cook more. And better. And healthier. I'm actually started to like this side of my domesticity more than I ever thought I would. I'm starting find a sort of art in cooking, and a sort of relaxing therapy as well. I never realized how much critical thinking goes into cooking. It's not just mindlessly following a recipe. My motto for this year? "Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants." (Michael Pollan).

4. Follow the M'Cheyne reading plan to read the Bible in its entirety. You can sign up to receive these daily readings at bible.org.

5. Hold my life in an open hand. Changes come; God cannot work if I'm clenching & holding tight to my own desires.

My First Liturgy

2010-12-26T15:03:00.000-08:00

I finally did it. Today I attended my first Orthodox liturgy, together with my anthropologist friend and Mia Joy. We attended St. Nicholas Orthodox Church in Fort Wayne. The first impression was made by an "You are about to enter a holy sanctuary of the Most High God...please turn off all cell phones, electronic devices, etc. etc." or something to that effect. It made me crinkle my nose & think "that's not very seeker-sensitive". Then my immediate second reaction was to make fun of it. I held off, of course, because I wouldn't want to be rude, but it made me realize something: I've forgotten how to be reverent, if I ever knew how.

Mia remained fairly calm and well-behaved throughout, though I did have to take her out once. I didn't know which doors to use (the side-doors? the center doors?) and was gone while they took communion, which I actually really wanted to see, but would've probably felt kind of awkward too, not being able to take it myself. However, when they brought out the Eucharist, it was inspiring to see the honor they placed upon it -- they stood facing it, turning towards it as it was carried throughout the sanctuary. Very different from my church, who places the bread & grape juice on a cart and allows a "come as you will" attitude.

They did have a bread that everybody could partake of at the end, but you had to kiss a crucifix before you took it. I almost abandoned ship at the point I realized you had to do that, but it was too late. So I puckered up and gave it what I thought to be a too-slobbery-to-be-reverent kiss, hurriedly took the bread, and practically ran away from Fr. Andrew in his scary vestments. =)

Afterwards, they had a coffee hours, which was a great opportunity for us to meet face-to-face with Fr. Andrew and Deacon Michael, who were actually very friendly and not scary at all. Deacon Michael and Stephanie (my anthropologist friend) had a good discussion and we learned quite a bit about the Orthodox church. I am so glad I went. I'm going to let the experience marinate for awhile, pray on it, and maybe explore some of the other churches in our area.

One more note: the sanctuary was absolutely beautiful. A sense of holiness, but not dour at all. The blues and golds were stunning, and the a capella songs and music were enchanting.

Tips & Tricks

2010-12-23T14:12:00.000-08:00

I feel like I've learned a lot in the past year or so of my marriage. Ok, well, maybe not A LOT, but something at least. I wouldn't call it wisdom, but I do want to list some tips on becoming a better spouse or partner which have worked for me. I think. I suppose you'll have to ask Andres to know if they've really worked. But I feel like they've had a positive impact. (A lot of tips were bred from Now You're Speaking My Language: Honest Communication and Deeper Intimacy for a Stronger Marriage by Gary Chapman and A Woman After God's Own Heart® by Elizabeth George)

In no particular order...

1) Volunteer to lose arguments. Not out loud of course. That would just be snarky and sarcastic and holier-than-thou. But in your mind, when you feel a hurricane start to brew over something inessential to your relationship (which, I quickly found out, is just about everything except direct infidelity), say to yourself "Is my winning this argument really worth destroying my partner's comfort in the home, the sanctuary of my love, and making his heart angry towards me?" And so compromise and retain the state of love. You might be surprised to find that the thing you were arguing about really wasn't as serious as you thought it to be. Or it might be gut-wrenchingly painful, but lets be honest -- either you were going to go through that pain or your partner was. You just took the hit for them and that's what loving kind of all about. If you're not willing to take that kind of pain over and over again for a person, you should not marry them. If you're already married, then you'll have to train yourself to, or else put on the boxing gloves and prepare to beat your "loved" one to a bloody pulp with arguments and derisive comments and hurt and pain because you are unwilling to lose.

2) Make a list of your partners "likes" and "dislikes". Make a point to rid the households of those "dislikes as much as possible and bring the "likes" into the spotlight.

3) (This tip came from Dr. Gary Chapman) Utilize the "time-out" system during arguments, especially if you are hot-headed. I never thought I had a temper until I got married. Then I realized that just because I learned not to raise my voice or scream like a lunatic didn't mean I couldn't lose my temper. I often found myself saying profoundly hurtful things in a calculated, rational voice. I would answer what I perceived to be a hurtful question with a snarky, sarcastic comment that would cut to the quick. Now I've come to recognize when I have that heat boiling under the surface: that quickened heart beat, the churning gut, and my mind spinning like a top. I simply hold my hands into a time-out signal and my husband automatically knows that I've been hurt and need time to cool off. So I take five minutes, collect myself, and respond to whatever question or comment with my first tip in this blog inside my mind.
The rules of the time out are this: the person requesting the time-out has ten minutes to cool off (this is so conversation or conflict does not remain unsolved). During this time, the partner is not allowed to speak to the other. No questions, no comments, no sighs, grunts, or groans. Nada, nothing.

4) Release yourself from expectations and hopes. This sounds negative and dark and pessimistic, but its really not. Once you release yourself from your ideal picture of a partner, you can begin to see the good that is in your actual, HUMAN partner. This also goes hand-in-hand with tip #1.
For example, I had the image of an ideal husband as somebody who rushes home to their family (family being wife & kids) with open arms, so happy to be back, and big kisses all around, can't wait til the kids get to sleep so we can get started on that hanky-panky. This is not my husband (well, except maybe for that hanky-panky part ;). My husband likes to go drinking with friends every once in awhile after work (by "go drinking" I mean get "drunk and crash at their place"). Well, by gum, no husband of mine was going to engage in this tomfoolery, unless I was invited to join (which I wasn't). This led to many arguments and ugly situations in which we both felt terrible. Him because he had a wife who wouldn't even trust him to have friends outside the family, and me because I had a husband who didn't even WANT to spend time with me.
Eventually I realized that image of a husband I held in my head was a fiction I had created. My husband was not that person because he was REAL. He had feelings, desires, and urges separate from me and my expectations. Once I release him (and myself) of those expectations, things changed. I let him go out, and although it was gut-wrenching and lonely, the tension was less in our home. The time he spent OUT (and the time I spent agonizing over where he was, what he was doing, and how could he possibly have fun without ME) was well worth the increased quality of the time he spent IN.

5) Do things for no other reason except for love. Do not do A because you think that will influence him to do B. You must do things and expect nothing in return -- maybe not even what you think of as "love".

These tips have not been proofread, and are written from a monogamous, Christian perspective. They may not work for everyone, but I hope there is something here that can benefit somebody.

♥ee

Life & work

2010-12-21T11:21:00.000-08:00

You just never know what's next in this life.

Andres lost his job recently and our small home chokes with tension. We trolled town yesterday searching for jobs with little hope. In the afternoon, I received a phone call from a previous employer, asking if I'd like to return, since I'd already done the training. Of course I said yes -- one doesn't refuse job offers falling from the sky in a bleak situation like this. But I'm scared to go back, if I'm honest. The business is family-owned, so I am definitely the outsider and the family has a sort of harsh way about them. Also, I'm not sure how much of the training I even retained for all these months that I've been with baby. That knowledge was long washed away in a wave of diapers, baby formula, and nap times. And even if I did retain that knowledge, it is a dead end job. No promotions, no raises. Nowhere to go from the start.

Also, the baby. I will miss my baby. And maybe here is a little bit of selfishness because I don't want the discomfort of being away and missing her. Would I rather have less food or leave bills unpaid so that I can see my baby all the time? No, of course not. But the thought of returning to work is painful and unpleasant.

Husband as a Mirror

2010-12-18T18:32:00.000-08:00

My husband is a mirror held up to my own selfishness. It is not his faults or shortcomings that are the problem, because if I didn't expect him to do certain things, he wouldn't fall short. His refusal to meet my expectations is not frustrating in the end because I feel it demonstrates a lack of love (I've long ago learned he loves me in spite of his behavior), but because it holds a mirror to my own repulsive selfishness. Simply: I am angry because I expect him do what I want him to do & to want to do what I want him to do. And he won't. And when he refuses, he doesn't become an android to fulfill my desire of the picture I've painted of the perfect husband. He becomes human and his own person who does not exist to fulfill me. And that is why I get angry. Because I see how ugly my expectations are. Now that I understand this relationship as a mirror, it allows me to maybe pick away the selfishness I can see there.

Here's to self-improvement!

♥ee

Infection, reading, lay-offs

2010-12-14T15:20:00.000-08:00

Mia's been waking up sporadically every night, keeping her father and I up with terrible coughing fits. It’s been terrible. I took her in to the doctor (thanks to my awesome big brother & his wife for letting me borrow their car) and found out that what I thought to be a cold was an ear infection. She hasn't had so many of the symptoms (crankiness, pulling at the ear, or fever), but I’m glad we at least have something to treat now.

I’m on a reading kick now. I’ve spent this past two weeks re-reading the Chronicles of Narnia. I forgot how much I liked those books! And because they’re pretty quick reads, I’ve managed to get through Horse & His Boy, Prince Caspian, and Voyage of the Dawn Treader in a week and a half. I’ve also started Beginning to Pray by Anthony Bloom. I love the tone of his writing; he speaks wisely, but accessibly -- like he’s a friend writing a letter or going on a helpful rant over the phone.

“If you look at the relationship in terms of mutual relationship, you will see that God could complain about us a great deal more than we about Him. We complain that He does not make Himself present to us for the few minutes we reserve for Him, but what about the twenty-three and a half hours during which God may be knocking at our door and we answer ‘I am busy, I am sorry’or when we do not answer at all because we do not even hear the knock at the door of our heart, of our minds, of our conscience, of our life.”

Definitely would recommend checking it out.

In other news, this holiday season is going to be rough: the company Andres works for routinely lays workers off towards the end of December and doesn't bring them back until mid-January. We'll probably take the opportunity of the extra time together to go job hunting.

♥ee

Me Gusta-licious (or More than Mariachi)

2010-11-30T19:38:00.000-08:00

A special treat for ya'll. A selection of some of my favorite bands en espanol. :) Enjoy!

Good-bye November!

2010-11-30T15:52:00.000-08:00

November is almost over, and I can’t say I’m disappointed. Its been a difficult month. Mia seemed generally leaky; her eyes, mouth, and nose all dripped constantly. Then I came down with a stomach virus, which lead to vomiting and all sorts of unpleasantness.

I’ve decided to put off visiting an orthodox church until after the holidays. My home church (Bear Lake Church or BLC) asked me to do a monologue for the Christmas season. It makes me nervous to think about, even though just two years ago I would have done it without a second thought.

I’m really going to try and spend this next month focusing on Christ. I’m going to put my current personal controversy of denominations & theology behind me to try and focus my spirit on Emmanuel.

I read the story today of the sinful woman washing the Lord’s feet with her tears, found in Luke, chapter 7. I’m sure I’ve read this scripture before, but it struck me this time. Those who know me well know I denied Christ’s influence in my life for a time. I lived a sinful lifestyle. But Christ has saved me; he has saved me. I feel as if he reached to me and pulled me from the depths. I don’t doubt I was saved before I strayed & I don’t recommend straying for the sake of being saved. But I do acknowledge that I recognize my sin & my need for salvation more now than I did before.

Here is the passage, taken from the NET Bible:

“Now one of the Pharisees asked Jesus to have dinner with him, so he went into the Pharisee’s house and took his place at the table. Then when a woman of that town, who was a sinner, learned that Jesus was dining at the Pharisee’s house, she brought an alabaster jar of perfumed oil. As she stood behind him at his feet, weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. She wiped them with her hair, kissed them, and anointed them with the perfumed oil. Now when the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would know who and what kind of woman this is who is touching him, that she is a sinner.” So Jesus answered him, “Simon, I have something to say to you.” He replied, “Say it, Teacher.” “A certain creditor had two debtors; one owed him five hundred silver coins, and the other fifty. When they could not pay, he canceled the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?” Simon answered, “I suppose the one who had the bigger debt canceled.” Jesus said to him, “You have judged rightly.” Then, turning toward the woman, he said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I entered your house. You gave me no water for my feet, but she has wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You gave me no kiss of greeting, but from the time I entered she has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not anoint my head with oil, but she has anointed my feet with perfumed oil. Therefore I tell you, her sins, which were many, are forgiven, thus she loved much; but the one who is forgiven little loves little.” Then Jesus said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.” But those who were at the table with him began to say among themselves, “Who is this, who even forgives sins?” He said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.”

Surely before I strayed I acted more correctly and more in-line with God’s will. But now that I have returned, with a faith given to me by the grace of God and not through any tradition or will of another, I love more. I can feel the hopelessness of my soul without Christ and I know my own darkness. I can read a story like this and be moved to tears because it is like looking at a mirror. My sins are many, but they are forgiven.

There are so many questions this passage brings up in my mind. Who was this woman? What was it that moved her to such emotional desperation? What did she see in Christ that the righteous Pharisee was blinded to? I never really thought twice about this story. In fact, I remember thinking of it as kind of disconcerting when I read over it years ago, before denying Christ. It is amazing that a story which once seemed so foreign is now close to my heart.

♥ee

Bathwater

2010-11-16T15:01:00.001-08:00

I used to run my bathwater just barely too hot, so that I would have to slide in slowly, inch by inch. The water would turn my pale skin to pink, like a bright, boiled lobster. It would allow me to focus in on the heat pricking my skin and to let go of the worry or pressure that was plaguing me. These days, I don’t have time for baths; I haven’t had one in the seven months since my baby was born. But I run my dishwater to hot and bat the bubbles back and forth between my pink, prickling hands. Sometimes I just let them soak there, not washing anything, but just cherishing the heat.

2010-11-15T18:11:00.001-08:00

Looking forward to my first visit to an Orthodox Church this weekend. Prayers are appreciated!

Quiet Times

2010-11-15T13:50:00.000-08:00

These past two weeks have been difficult. I having been keeping up on my daily quiet times because of Andres’ new work schedule. I used to wake up, leisurely change a diaper and baby would have her play-pen time and I would have 10-15 minutes to myself, specifically for the purpose of recharging my spiritual batteries through prayer and a simple Bible reading. Now I have to wake up and immediately begin to make our brunch, since we are waking up around 11:00 and going to sleep around 1 a.m. Baby spends her wake-up playtime with Mami & Papi in bed instead of the play-pen.
I feel like my options for finding a new “quiet time” are limited. It simply feels misplaced having it in the middle of the afternoon, but then again, I don’t exactly want to set an alarm for an early wake-up either.
First, I’m going to try to replace it to the mid-day. Hopefully it will become routine if I am consistent enough.

2010-11-13T07:42:00.001-08:00

I know my daughter has done more to restore my sense of wonder and love towards the universe than anything else has ever done. Even now, as I watch her travelling across the kitchen floor, I can’t help but be in awe that she is my daughter. My husband and I created this little person out of our own bodies. I have never felt more connected to another being. It’s almost as if an invisible thread connects us. Would you laugh if I told you I cry at least twice a week at the simple miracle that is my baby?
Sometimes its so difficult to comprehend that she will not be a baby forever. She will not be a child forever. She will not be a teen forever. She will become an adult, someday. She will make decisions that will hurt herself and she will make decisions that will hurt me. And someday, I imagine, she will probably hurl insults and slam doors. I can’t imagine how much that will hurt.
I certainly have a lot of growing up to do before I’m ready to parent a teen. Luckily I have some time. I have no doubt that when it arrives, I will be (more) ready (than I am now).

This is your brain on motherhood

2010-11-12T14:39:00.000-08:00

Ok, Andres moving to second-shift has thrown my brain for a loop. I feel fried. Like on those old-school anti-drug "this-is-your-brain-this-is-your-brain-on-drugs" commercials. Except I'm not on drugs. I'm on motherhood & an effed up sleeping schedule. I don't know when to cook dinner (which is why there is an entire roast chicken in our fridge right now) or when to put the baby to bed.

My body feels fuzzy and my mind feels floaty. I want to close my eyes and drift off into Radiohead.

♥ee

2010-11-10T14:27:00.000-08:00

When I was younger, of course my writing came easier, quicker. I had hours free to do nothing except sit with inspiration, listening to the birds and watching the water. I had no husband, who could make the innocent question, “what’s for dinner?” a death sentence on the poem that was dancing through my mind a few moments before.
Now, i look for the free moments to pen down any loose thought that flutters through my mind. The baby sleeps, write out a quick journal entry; the baby plays quietly, type out a few lines; my husband lies beside me and I open my eyes to the way the sunlight spills through a narrow slit in the window shade, searching for a hint of inspiration.
I have a sheet of canvas paper painted purple. I need to paint something on top of it, but I cannot figure out what that should be.
I have started keeping a Dictionary of Symbols for my life. Motifs, themes to be written down with their meanings so that I can use them in my works.

God is doing something funny to me...

2010-10-18T13:00:00.000-07:00

I had an unusual thought come across my mind today. One that hardly ever pops up in my mind. It was a "what if" question. You know the ones -- they cause you worry for practically no reason because they will probably never happen, right? Well, maybe not this one.

You see, the question that popped up was, "What if I'm wrong?"

Wrong about what? My religion. Not to say Christianity as a whole, but my particular brand of Christianity. What if it was wrong? You see, my whole life I've thought that, if one is to be a Christian, nondenominationalism is the way to go. None of that restrictive hierarchy or pesky confession. No catechism, no confirmation. A lone-wolf Christian! It seemed so intelligent, requiring you to dig into the Bible yourself, with no singular preist or pope to guide you. Just my Bible and me, all alone in this hostile world. Sola Scriptura! It seemed so intelligent, so philosophical, so progressive.

At least, it did 24 hours ago.

Now, something is happening. The question keeps coming back.

I started reading about Catholicism because my husband is Catholic. I wanted to understand his belief and have never considered Catholicism to be heretical. I could even see myself attending a Catholic Church someday. I stumbled upon the idea of Holy or Sacred Tradition.

And then everything went twirly-whirly. Could there be a gap that the Protestants are missing? The idea that Sola Scriptura could be less than enough is literally knocking on my door, and I'm not sure I want to open it. Because, what if? What if it is? That means I would pick up all that stuff that I've always rejected. And I'm not sure I want to. Not because I don't think its true, but because it looks hard. :\ Conversion, catechism, confession.

I'm not simply talking about Catholicism, but Eastern Orthodoxy too. Anyone have any thoughts? Please share, please please please.

Oh Lord, help me!

My New Mantra

2010-10-09T08:20:00.000-07:00

"My soul waits in silence for God only; From Him is my salvation. He only is my rock & my salvation, my stronghold; I shall not be greatly shaken...My soul, wait in silence for God only, For my hope is from Him. He only is my rock & my salvation, my stronghold; I shall not be shaken. On God my salvation & my glory rest. The rock of my strength, my refuge is in God. Trust in Him at all times, O people; Pour out your hearts before Him; God is a refuge for us." (Psalm 62:1, 2, 5, 8)

Howdy!

2010-09-25T09:14:00.000-07:00

A cartoon cowboy bear for my 6 year old brother William. First painting in a long time. In five years probably? Thinking about going back and adding more color, but afraid of overworking it. Got cut off at the bottom. Pencils and Acrylics

The Reinvention of Elizabeth Erazo

2010-09-03T09:50:00.000-07:00

I've decided to set some goals at becoming substantial. For me, there are several areas that are integral to who I am which I will try to nurture and grow:

1. Spirituality -- This has always been a major part of my life. But now, I am so within myself, that I believe I am at the best possible place to make it my own. To do this, I will explore facets of different spiritualities to integrate into my own. NOTE: I am not changing my RELIGION or my essential beliefs. I am however, changing the expression of those. Several things in particular I want to explore: meditation, Catholic Mass, fasting, serving.

2. Creativity -- Once again, something that has always been inside me. If I go too long without creating, it explodes out of me, I can't sleep thinking about it. To grow my creativity, I've been working my way through Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain by Betty Edwards. Its great and I'd recommend it to anyone who thinks they "can't draw" or just "aren't artistic". I'm also going to be doing some paintings soon, so watch out for those!

3. Intellect -- I hate the way my brain feels stagnate. I will read non-fiction, watch documentaries, and practice my Spanish in some way everyday.

4. Domesticity -- As much as I may hate to admit it, this is now an integral part of my life. I'm not exactly sure how to grow this area, but I do know I always want to be a better wife and mother. Part of me thinks this will come naturally by improving the other areas, but that's not necessarily the case.

So that's the battle plan as of now. Hopefully it will grow and expand, each facet a wire that interweaves with the other to create a solid, substantial being.

2010-08-31T11:45:00.000-07:00

Monday I took baby into the doctor for a bump on the with the mantra "It's nothing, it's nothing" playing on repeat in my head. I sat waiting for what felt like an eternity and finally saw the doctor, watching him as he folded, tapped, and turned my daughter. I watched as he mushed and pushed her soft lump. My breathing was stunted as I waited for him to tell me it was just a bump, go home.

What he said instead was "Well, I think its a skull fracture."

My heart skipped a beat and I responded with what I thought was a legitimate vocalization of the swirl that had started in my head -- "Ok."

He looked at me with raised eyebrows. "You don't seemed surprised." What a douche-like thing to say. What reaction did he expect? Should I have dropped to the ground in hysterics? Good Lord, help not hurt this man. I did bring her to the office for a bummp on the head afterall. I would have been more surprised if he told me she had a broken leg or something, but a skull fracture for that massive lump? That kind of makes sense. Geez, I could go on all day about this.

Anyway, we were sent immediately over to the hospital for a CT scan which revealed a possible skull fracture plus some blood clotting under the skull. Its so hard when you keep thinking and hearing "its nothing, its going to be nothing" and then all the sudden -- its something. I'm just infinitely grateful its something that can be fixed and healed and will go away -- not something that will follow us the rest of our lives.

The pediatrician was remarkably un-supportive through the whole ordeal. After an overnight hospital stay, two CT scans, and a X-Ray, he came in to tell an extremely exhausted me that he didn't believe that the incident I believed was the cause (a fall from the bed onto a hardwood floor) was "traumatic" enough to cause the injury, and that we needed to "further investigate" what could have caused it. I looked at him, desperately wanting to chuck my cellphone at his head. Instead, I asked incredulously "Well, what do YOU think happened?" Of course he was remarkably unhelpful, repeating the "further investigation" malarky. Through his tone it was obvious he thought I was hiding something. He asked questions about my husband, who is a remarkable father. What I think HE thinks happened is that somehow I hurt my child on accident and am now too scared to fess up.

I really wanted to punch him in the face.

For the rest of the day, Mia & I had to wait in the hospital until some STRANGER in Child Protective Services said that MY child was safe with me. When we did get home, we then had to meet with a family case manager, who, thank God, was remarkably kind and understanding.

I'm just so glad its all over, and so grateful that my baby girl is safe and will be ok.

Nothing & Something

2010-08-24T12:23:00.001-07:00

-Oh, I don't know. It's probably Nothing.
--Yes, probably nothing. But...
-it could be Something.
--Yes, you're right. It could be Something. Just in case, just in case its Something, but its probably Nothing.

. . . . . . . . . . . . .

-Hmmm...
--Well?
-Hmmm...
--Yes?
-I think its Something.
--It is Something?
-Yes, it is Something, but it could be Nothing.
--And now...?
-Now, some tests & some observations & and an overnight stay and accusations.
--It's Something.
-It's Something.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

--But it could be nothing?

2010-08-23T05:44:00.000-07:00

I'm going to the pediatrician today to check out a lump on my baby's head. I pretty sure its hematoma, but I wouldn't object to prays if you've got some to spare. I've got mommy syndrome, which means I'm freaking out.

My Home

2010-08-06T07:20:00.000-07:00

My home. MJ & myself -- hubby taking photo.

Dear Mom & Dad,

2010-07-30T09:23:00.000-07:00

I never understood. I thought I did, but I didn't. I never understood just how powerfully you could want the best for another person or how to love so completely. Now that I know the love you had for me, and feel the love I have for Mia, I want to apologize. I have lead you through so many ups and downs and caused so much pain. I could never understand until now.

I wish every child, even "adult" children could feel the love of a parent -- not the feeling of being loved by a parent, but to love as a parent. I want to go back to every adult friend I have and shake them. I want to say clearly and perfectly so that they understand ---

your parents are not ignorant. They are not giving you certain advice because they don't understand. They don't disagree to hold you back or shelter you. But maybe they are afraid of losing forever that little one they cradled in their arms every night. Maybe they are afraid of the pain that they know your choices will force on you. Maybe they have a heart full of love for you that they don't know how to express anymore because you are an adult now and they can't hold you like they used to and you don't talk like you used to. Maybe they're a little bit lost. This is the first time anyway that they've been a parent to a twenty-something, and they're still getting used to it.

But they love you. More than you can EVER imagine. Trust me on that one.

Books

2010-07-20T07:30:00.000-07:00

I did something this weekend that I remember doing once before in my life.

Sorting and giving away about a third of my book collection.

Its terribly difficult and makes me emotional. I hold each book and remember when, where, and why I recieved it. I remember what was going on when I read it and if it was good or bad. I felt each one in my hands, flipped through the pages, and set them aside to be enjoyed by somebody else. There were two types of books that I am giving away: 1) the books that I've read already and do not want to read again, 2) the books I haven't read and have absolutely no desire to read in the near future. I kept many more kinds of books for many more reasons including (but not limited to) great books that everyone should have in their library even if they haven't read & don't plan on reading them, books that may come in handy as reference material someday, books that have off-the-charts sentimental value, books that I've read that I want to be able to flip through at any time or read entirely again and again and again, etc.

I found a book while sorting that I bought maybe two years ago and forgot about. It is by one of my favorite authors, Anne Lamott. She has this great way of writing and by the end of the second chapter of her memoirs, you feel like you've known each other for years and you could get together and swear about life together and cry and pray. Anyways, I got the book "Operating Instructions: A Journal of my Son's First Year" and never read it, partly I think because I just wasn't that interested. But I am so glad I've held on to it all these years because it has restored my sanity and self-esteem, which the baby all but mutilated. It is such a great feeling to know I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE! If you are pregnant or have an infant, you must read this book. If you are not, well, maybe you'd like it, but I'd reccomend reading "Traveling Mercies" first.

In other news...

2010-07-12T11:01:00.000-07:00

Just had the most epic struggle ever with Mia Joy to get her to take her nap. She's finally down. Whew. That girl is going to be a force someday.

Now that I'm officially a car owner (Dad signed over the title yesterday) I'm shopping around for car insurance. The options are kind of overwhelming -- all the jingles and characters from commercials are suddenly popping into my head, from the annoyingly low quality General ad to the awesome Geico gecko.

Also officially signed on for our own internet service, which should be coming later this week. We will no longer be wireless moochers!

We are now living next door to my parents in a small cottage type home. Definitely a step up from the studio apartment the three of us had been crammed into. The decor is a hodge-podge of whatever we could get for free. I unfortuanately lack any interior decorating sensibility. Maybe I should pick up a book.

In other news, I began knitting and I am terrible.

Some questions and a Poem

2010-06-24T10:41:00.000-07:00

Last night I almost broke down. Sometimes the weight of these new roles I've taken on seem to swallow me completely. What does it mean to be a wife, to be a mother, and to still be myself? I know from past experience that to place one's value in another person leads to trouble. For that reason, I know I need to be more than a wife and more than a mother. To do either of those roles well, I need to be complete in myself.

But what in the world does that mean? How do I become a person of substance?

"The Saying"

In an old book
I stumbled across a saying.
It was like a stranger
punching me in the face,

it won’t stop
gnawing at me.
When I walk around at night,
looking for a beautiful girl,

when a lie or a description
of life or somebody’s fake
way of being with people
occurs instead of reality,

when I betray myself with
an easy explanation
as if what’s dark is clear,
as if life doesn’t have thousands

of locked, burning gates,
when I use words without really
having known their strict openness
and put my hands around things

that don’t excite me,
when a dream hides my face with soft hands
and the day avoids me,
cut off from the world,

cut off from who I am deeply,
I freeze where I am
and see hanging in the air in front of me
STOP BEING A GHOST!

–Ernst Stadler ("imitation" by Stephen Berg)

[Original poem is in German. I've heard that the last line (mensch, werde wesentlich!) is more literally translated as "Man, be substantial!" or "Man, become essential!" both of which I like more than "Stop being a ghost!", but then again, I don't speak German or translate for a living.)

ooh new...shiny!

2010-06-22T14:14:00.000-07:00

Check out this playlist is couture. It makes me want to start crafting again.

2010-06-22T07:25:00.000-07:00

Wow. It's almost amazing how rhythmic my life has become. Since Andrés began working, I've been to sleep before midnight almost every night. My weeks are punctuated by trips to the library or walks in the park. I fill my days with Mia Joy, novels, music, and recipes. Mostly Mia.

It's difficult learning to rely on somebody else for finances again. I don't enjoy giving up my independence!

Today my focus is going to be on packing. This Sunday is our official "move-out" date. Andrés isn't too excited for the move (it takes us about 40 minutes from his job), but I will be surrounded by family and friends within walking distance. And a lake, which will be nice in this scorching heat!

Posted some new music including BRAHMS and Jonsí. Just click on the link in the sidebar to check it out!

2010-06-12T08:45:00.000-07:00

Having a child is, without a doubt, the most magical experience I've ever had in my life. I never thought it would be a new as it is. Throughout my life I've been surrounded by babies and children almost constantly. But this is a phenomenon I did not anticipate. At some points, when I look at her, I feel like we are best friends born 22 years apart. I feel like we share parts of souls. Maybe this is all ridiculous because, of course, she can't talk. She's two months old. Maybe all this will evaporate when she no longer lays around cooing all day and starts talking back and biting and kicking and hitting and can no longer be amused by a soft blanket being tossed over her head. I know my love will be there and I feel this is a bond nothing can break.

She's also gorgeous like nothing else I've ever seen. :) And she drools...a LOT. I have to keep a bib on her at all times now. And she's big! She's almost out of all her Newborn clothes, and some of her 0-3 mos. outfits. <3

In news NOT about baby...

my husband has a job now, so I can stay home. I've been learning how to cook and have now cooked:

-Southwestern Style Beef Stir-fry
-Corn and Black Bean Salad
-Cranberry Pecan Rice
-Honey Glazed Chicken
-Tangy Breaded Pork chops
-Salmon Croquettes
-Garlic Glazed Green Beans

Not bad for somebody who didn't cook ever. Also trying to figure out when the best time to return to school would be, but there are so many obstacles now...childcare and transportation mainly. Please keep that issue in your prayers. :)

Muchos abrazos!

ok ok ok...

2010-05-13T21:46:00.000-07:00

I get it. I'm a mom now and things are going to change. But I haven't changed, not that much. There are some things that being a parent does effect, but it doesn't switch my entire personality make-up.

The point I'm getting at is this: I think some of my old friends are scared of me. I think the fact that I now have a child might intimidate some people in some way and make them feel awkward or unsure around me. I wish there was a way to make people see that I am still me...just a mommy me. :)

LDL Mix -- 2

2009-03-16T23:19:00.000-07:00

The Weepies "Gotta Have You" released on their 2006 album "Say I am You". If you have not checked this album out, please do. It's probably on my top five albums.

"Gray, quiet and tired and mean
Picking at a worried seam
Try to make you mad at me over the phone
Red eyes and fire and signs
I'm taken by a nursery rhyme
I wanna make a ray of sunshine and never leave home

No amount of coffee, no amount of cry
No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine
No no no no no, nothing else will do
I've gotta have you, I've gotta have you.

The road gets cold, there's no spring in the middle this year
I'm the new chicken plucking open hearts and ears
Oh, such a prima donna, sorry for myself
But green, it is also summer
And I won't be warm till I'm lying in your arms.

No amount of coffee, no amount of crying
No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine
No no no no no, nothing else will do
I've gotta have you, I've gotta have you.

I see it all through a telescope: guitar, suitcase, and a warm coat
Lying in the back of the blue boat, humming a tune...

No amount of coffee, no amount of crying
No amount of whiskey, no wine
No no no no no, nothing else will do
I've gotta have you, I've gotta have...

No amount of coffee, no amount of crying
No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine
No no no no no, nothing else will do
I've gotta have you, I've gotta have you
I've gotta have you, gotta have you
I've gotta have you."

A New Series in the Blogs of Elizabeth

2009-03-14T19:41:00.000-07:00

I have decided to incorporate music in my blog. I'm composing a long-distance love mix and will post every song day-by-day on this blog. Because I can't wait until Andres arrives.

To begin, Incubus's "I Miss You". This can be found on their album "Make Yourself" released in 1999.

"To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, Utopian dream.

You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said "I miss you"?

I see your picture.
I smell your skin on
The empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days,
But already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care,
And I miss you."

2009-02-24T08:25:00.000-08:00

Love songs make sense and the heart as a symbol. It is present keeps you warm and is vital, yet unseen. Only felt through secondary signals, like the fact that you still move and breath and feel or the constant movement, pounding against your insides.

I can't feel my brain; I only know it is there. But my heart -- that I can feel.

2009-01-25T23:00:00.000-08:00

Let's be honest now. What he meant by "bipartisan" was "we'll tell you what we're going to do, and you'll watch as we do it". None of this feel-good, fluffy mumbo jumbo so many people were crazy about.

2008-12-29T15:59:00.000-08:00

So, for the first time ever, I am in a completely foreign place. Everything is different here -- new sights, new sounds, new smells even. The one phrase i find myself using more than any other? There is NO WAY that is safe. :)

Poet Spotlight : Mayda del Valle

2008-11-30T18:32:00.000-08:00

Prepare to be Pun-ished!

2008-11-24T20:38:00.000-08:00

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.

If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

The Buddhist refused pain-killers during the root canal because he wanted to transcend dental medication.

Mr. Mullet's Friday Speech

2008-11-19T22:34:00.000-08:00

Mr. Mullet was a teacher I had in high school. Every week he would give some version of "the Friday Speech". It seems like nothing, but it really was a major influence on a lot of kids, just to know someone cared. For some girls, he was the only they heard say they were worth something, and for the guys -- well, maybe he was the only one to have expectations of them, especially on how the treat girls. Excuse the grammar, etc. It was transcripted on the spot of one of his classes. :) Enjoy!

Mr. Mullet's Friday Speech:

Ladies and gentleman have a great weekend. Please relax, have fun. Suppose to have a big warm up here, so that’s going to be nice. It’s going to be a beautiful weekend.

A few things I want you to remember, I want you to be smart. So many of you just yearn to be treated as mature adults, you do things, I know, now that were not common and I know, I’m not picking on you or anything, the idea of working until 1 in the morning, that’s something that’s a choice, but I’m just telling you that when I was in school that was unheard of. And what’s happening is that by societies and families and things that we feel we need, we’re making those choices and you guys are making those choices. I want you to remember one thing, is that you have a whole life ahead of you to work. You have a whole life ahead of you to have those jobs, and I know that some of you want that money, is something that you see that’s success, that’s power. And I just want you to remember that one day, and right now you want so bad ‘I can’t wait ‘til I’m out of here and I can get a job and work,’ you’ll wake up one day and all of a sudden, all you can wish for will be right now, back in high school, no responsibilities or very few, you didn’t have a mortgage, you did have to pay income or property taxes, you didn’t have “The Man” coming down on you, uh, wait, never mind. The point is that you have a whole life ahead of you, you know, don’t be is such a big hurry to grow up. You make so many decisions right now that we feel you guys are ready for, decisions that I don’t make because I feel I’m not ready for them. They are probably a lot different decisions than you have to make, but still. Enjoy where you’re at in your life, you never get it back.

There are so many kids and youth and young adults making decisions, right now, that, quite honestly, there’s nothing in them but pain, making decisions that you really shouldn’t be making. I’m not going to be a parent to you, I’m not going to be somebody that, I can’t make those decisions for you and, quite honestly, I want you to make those decisions because, I’m not trying to be harsh but, I want to see you fall on your face, that doesn’t mean I’m going to have joy in watching that, but lots of times it takes failure to learn. And that’s a harsh reality, but that’s how we learn. If you could know some of my failures, you would probably ‘Mullett, you?’ Yes, you would probably say those types of things, because I have failed miserably in my life and it has turned me into the person I am today and, regardless of what you think, I am pretty proud of myself. Please, please, make decisions and consider consequences, but be prepared to fail. That’s okay. But sometimes those failures for the decisions you make, you cannot learn from and that’s what you have to remember. Remember that two wrongs never make a right, you find yourself in a situation where you’ve made a bad decision, mistake, learn from it and be ready to face the consequences because if you can face the consequences, step up and say ‘Yeah, I messed up,’ you still have your respect. I might not like what you did or someone might not like what you did, but they can still respect you because you said ‘I did it. I’m ready to learn from it and take on all the responsibilities.’ That is not mature thing to do. That is an adult thing to do. Too many, I see kids say ‘I did this’ and then when you question them, they say ‘I’ll let mom and dad take care of this. Let them buy my way out. Talk their way, lie my way out.’ I have no respect for them. Be the adult.

If you find yourself in a situation like that, make a call, a parent, loved one, relative, somebody. If they won’t come help you with those consequences, call me, I will. I will be very mad at you, at the decision you made, but I’ll be proud of you for standing up. At least you’ll be safe, okay? I’ll probably have a little talk with the parents, why they wouldn’t help out, but at least you’ll be safe.

I want you to have a great weekend. I want you to remember, ladies, you are finely tuned violins. Don’t allow some knuckle-dragging Neanderthal to play you out of tune or break your strings. I want you to remember ladies, that men are idiots. We are. We don’t think. We just act. We are not proactive individuals. We are reactive. We think ‘I’ll do it,’ and then we don’t understand why there were repercussions. We just have to react to those. We don’t plan. We don’t organize. That’s how we’re wired. That’s how we work. Be patient. Communicate. Talk. Say what you mean. I’m going to tell you ladies, if you say ‘Do I look fat in this,’ get ready because you’re going to hear it. If you don’t, hey that’s great. If you do, perhaps, a guy is going to tell you because he knows better or not, if he lies, ‘But then you lied to me.’ It’s a no win. Come on ladies, they are going to tell you what they feel. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking unless you really want to have an in-depth conversation about power tools or NASCAR, because that’s what we’re thinking.

Guys, women are maniacal, manipulative beasts. They are the only people in the world who can lie and get away with it knowingly. You ask a woman ‘What’s wrong?’ and she says ‘Nothing.’ I look at her and say ‘You lied to me. If you say nothing, you better act like nothing’s wrong. If something’s wrong, you better tell me.’ It’s that simple, isn’t it? Or you ask a woman ‘What do you want to eat?’ ‘I don’t care.’ Oh they know, and they expect men to figure it out. Manipulation. I tell you guys, though, that is why they are the most powerful creatures in the world and they deserve every bit of your respect. Never do they deserve to have a hand raise to them. They deserve your utmost respect and love. They’ll give you the greatest gift you could ever ask for.

I want you to have a great weekend. Guys and girls, communicate. Talk. Listen, to each other and everyone around you. Spend time with family and friends. I want you to remember, stand up for what you believe is right for you. If somebody doesn’t respect your decision, then get rid of them. Who cares what they think of you? If they don’t respect your decisions, then they are worthless for you. That might be one of the hardest decisions you’ll ever make, but it’ll be one of the healthiest. I had friends in college I thought were great friends, and then I realized that they probably weren’t. You know how many times I’ve talked to them since then? Never. Have a great weekend. Be careful and do what’s right for you.

Have a good time tonight because it is:
Friday night and everything is alright,
rock, rock to the beat of the middle of the night.
Everything is heated up and nobody’s standin’ still,
Got my arm around my girl and...
A HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL!

HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND!!

When the tower falls, be like that child.

2008-10-22T13:10:00.000-07:00

“Do You Have Any Advice For Those of Us Just Starting Out?"

Ron Koertge

Give up sitting dutifully at your desk. Leave
your house or apartment. Go out into the world.

It's all right to carry a notebook but a cheap
one is best, with pages the color of weak tea
and on the front a kitten or a space ship.

Avoid any enclosed space where more than
three people are wearing turtlenecks. Beware
any snow-covered chalet with deer tracks
across the muffled tennis courts.

Not surprisingly, libraries are a good place to write.
And the perfect place in a library is near an aisle
where a child a year or two old is playing as his
mother browses the ranks of the dead.

Often he will pull books from the bottom shelf.
The title, the author's name, the brooding photo
on the flap mean nothing. Red book on black, gray
book on brown, he builds a tower. And the higher
it gets, the wider he grins.

You who asked for advice, listen: When the tower
falls, be like that child. Laugh so loud everybody
in the world frowns and says, "Shhhh."

Then start again.

from Fever, 2006
Red Hen Press

2008-10-16T13:17:00.001-07:00

“Syl is great because Syl gave me the best piece of advice pound-for-pound that I have ever heard. And I think all young ladies should hear this. Syl said, it took me a long time but I’ve finally figured it out. When it comes to men that are romantically interested in you, it’s really simple. Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do. It’s that simple. It’s that easy. And I thought back to my bachelor days and I said, damn.”

- Randy Pausch’s Last Lecture: Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams

it's a novel idea, isn't it? judging someone by their actions, rather than their words, whether they be a love interest or a politician.

life, as of late, as been a stagnate experience with a small ray of hope. this return to routine has been a good thing, i think, after the rather convoluted experiences of Yellowstone. family has returned to the centerpiece of my social life for the first time in months -- maybe even years, and this reconnection is a welcome change. i am concerned about the well-being of my creativity in this state, as it seems to have dropped out of my lack of nurturing. i have been focused more on my job, making money, and finding time for my friends, rather than on writing, creating, and expressing my artistic vision as i have in my past. is this a welcome change? i think so; i think i would more value living life and interpreting it -- but i'm not positive. i'm searching for a way to do both.

holly the traveller.

2008-08-29T22:21:00.000-07:00

I just found out that I have been selected as one of the contributors for Whateverlife.com 's new webzine. I'm going to head up Creative Writing, but have also been authorized to write for any section. Hooray! I'm excited. Now, however, I face the challenge of -- well, writing. Writing something other than self-centered, incoherent scribbles and scraps of song lyrics. Life's an adventure, eh? And I am it's traveller!

The unsent letters are the best

2008-08-26T00:28:00.000-07:00

Coming home from a month away

To empty cabinets and bed

Well if there's love in this house again

Then let the lights shine through the windows

And onto my head

I was gone. I left you. I left you coldly, and alone. It was not something we could do together and I am sorry. If there is love left for you, I hope it shines through this dreary journey to settle on you.

Now I stay in the city

Walk the street, search for something

Something calls and its leaving

I am dreaming of a girl, she is not really there

When you look to me for answers, for completion, for happiness, for fulfillment, you look at a figment. That girl does not exist.

And all I did see, the buildings they burn so bright

I feel sorry for everything

I'll watch the homeless woman sleep

Just like the dimes that I gave her

I am scattered and I will roll away

I am sorry. Sorry for everything; not just you. The way the world spins and the stoplights keep flashing; the cold and glaring indifference of the universe to the troubles of humanity. I am scattered, my mind cannot stop moving. I cannot stay for you; I will roll away.

I dream of the other side

Coming home to see your mother

Best friends who mean all the world

But can't understand the ground that I walk on

My parents are some of my best friends. They haven't been where I've been and there are some things they cannot understand, by no fault of their own. This world is mine to experience as well as theirs -- I just have different eyes. It's not good or bad. It just is. Que sera sera in past tense: what has been, has been.

And all I did see, the buildings they burn so bright

...

Lonely like a sailor, on the sea

Alone on the sea

I am lonely like a sailor, alone on the sea

There are somethings we will always have in common, no matter how completely we sever our ties.

And all I did see, the buildings they burn so bright

2008-08-18T00:07:00.000-07:00

First Love

At his incipient sun
The ice of twenty winters broke,
Crackling, in her eyes.

Her mirroring, still mind,
That held the world (made double) calm,
Went fluid, and it ran.

There was a stir of music,
Mixed with flowers, in her blood;
A swift impulsive balm

From obscure roots;
Gold bees of clinging light
Swarmed in her brow.

Her throat is full of songs,
She hums, she is sensible of wings
Growing on her heart.

She is a tree in spring
Trembling with the hope of leaves,
Of which the leaves are tongues.

by Stanley Kunitz

The Hollow Men

2008-08-15T22:42:00.000-07:00

The Hollow Men
T. S. Eliot
Mistah Kurtz—he dead.

A penny for the Old Guy

I

We are the hollow men
We are the stuffed men
Leaning together
Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!
Our dried voices, when
We whisper together
Are quiet and meaningless
As wind in dry grass
Or rats’ feet over broken glass
In our dry cellar

Shape without form, shade without colour,
Paralysed force, gesture without motion;

Those who have crossed
With direct eyes, to death’s other Kingdom
Remember us—if at all—not as lost
Violent souls, but only
As the hollow men
The stuffed men.

II

Eyes I dare not meet in dreams
In death’s dream kingdom
These do not appear:
There, the eyes are
Sunlight on a broken column
There, is a tree swinging
And voices are
In the wind’s singing
More distant and more solemn
Than a fading star.

Let me be no nearer
In death’s dream kingdom
Let me also wear
Such deliberate disguises
Rat’s coat, crowskin, crossed staves
In a field
Behaving as the wind behaves
No nearer—

Not that final meeting
In the twilight kingdom

III

This is the dead land
This is cactus land
Here the stone images
Are raised, here they receive
The supplication of a dead man’s hand
Under the twinkle of a fading star.

Is it like this
In death’s other kingdom
Waking alone
At the hour when we are
Trembling with tenderness
Lips that would kiss
Form prayers to broken stone.

IV

The eyes are not here
There are no eyes here
In this valley of dying stars
In this hollow valley
This broken jaw of our lost kingdoms

In this last of meeting places
We grope together
And avoid speech
Gathered on this beach of the tumid river

Sightless, unless
The eyes reappear
As the perpetual star
Multifoliate rose
Of death’s twilight kingdom
The hope only
Of empty men.

V

Here we go round the prickly pear
Prickly pear prickly pear
Here we go round the prickly pear
At five o’clock in the morning.

Between the idea
And the reality
Between the motion
And the act
Falls the Shadow
-------------------------For Thine is the Kingdom

Between the conception
And the creation
Between the emotion
And the response
Falls the Shadow
-------------------------Life is very long
Between the desire
And the spasm
Between the potency
And the existence
Between the essence
And the descent
Falls the Shadow
-------------------------For Thine is the Kingdom

For Thine is
Life is
For Thine is the

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

-----------------------------------------------------------

If you cannot feel the beauty of this poem, read it again. Read it until it saturates your pores, blinds your eyes, and drops your stomach like a roller coaster.

Read the first stanza until you see the straw poking through their middles and the emptiness -- not only of their eyes, but of their actions. They seem in a world of black and white, "shades without color". They are not violent, violence has substance. Nor do they have "direct eyes" but ask those who do, to remember they weren't violent, just empty, hollow -- passive.

Eyes are a strong image in this poem, coming in at all except the third and fifth stanzas.

The ending is just...sha-blam. Really. I love this poem.

Not that I'm currently feeling this way, but it's a good poem nonetheless

2008-08-14T03:39:00.000-07:00

A Sad Child

You're sad because you're sad.
It's psychic. It's the age. It's chemical.
Go see a shrink or take a pill,
or hug your sadness like an eyeless doll
you need to sleep.

Well, all children are sad
but some get over it.
Count your blessings. Better than that,
buy a hat. Buy a coat or pet.
Take up dancing to forget.

Forget what?
Your sadness, your shadow,
whatever it was that was done to you
the day of the lawn party
when you came inside flushed with the sun,
your mouth sulky with sugar,
in your new dress with the ribbon
and the ice-cream smear,
and said to yourself in the bathroom,
I am not the favorite child.

My darling, when it comes
right down to it
and the light fails and the fog rolls in
and you're trapped in your overturned body
under a blanket or burning car,

and the red flame is seeping out of you
and igniting the tarmac beside you head
or else the floor, or else the pillow,
none of us is;
or else we all are.

Margaret Atwood

The Problem I'm Never Gonna Solve: of Love's Unequal Remainder - My Life's a Fraction of a Whole

2008-07-23T04:59:00.000-07:00

And time has told me
Not to ask for more
Someday our ocean
Will find its shore.

So I`ll leave the ways that are making me be
What I really don't want to be
Leave the ways that are making me love
What I really don't want to love.

Time has told me
You came with the dawn
A soul with no footprint
A rose with no thorn.
(Nick Drake, Time Has Told Me)

Why do i find myself returning to the "ways that are making me be / what I really don't want to be...the ways that are making me love / what I really don't want to love"?

I think my mind is clearer now
I want you to be nearer now
I'm ready to come back to you
Cause there's no use in feeling
All the things I'm feeling
There's no one here to feel with me
(Badly Drawn Boy, Camping by the Water)

I know what I want -- I want a returning. I want to come back full circle and be the person I know I am.

Halfway to sleep, you asked what I need
I answered in tongues and in braille
Cause the thoughts that I speak are like tracks down the beach
They’re just true til the ocean exhales

But sometimes -- I don't know what I want.

Seems you created your own illusion
Fuelled by an image of me
Well I couldn't stay at your side
It wouldn't be right
A picture that I just don't see
(Badly Drawn Boy, Disillusionment)

My friend Kelly Beiswanger had a quote on her myspace -- "I don't want to be perceived the way I am, I just want to be perceived the way I am!" What way am I? The insided, scratching and laughing to be out, or the outside that acts in ways I don't understand? Is this really my mind guiding this hand? One thing is for certain: I don't think I am who everybody pictures I am and i think most people feel this way.

--------------

Once again, I will complain of this up and down shit.

Sunny day, sunny days
Don’t you trick me into stayin’
Don’t you lay me in the cornfield
Just to take the corn away
Sunny day, sunny days
Don’t you trap me in your rays
Either let me loose or promise not fade
(Danny Schmidt, Sunny Days)

But to be up and to be down is life. What kind of life would a flat horizon make? No no no -- it's mountains and valleys for me. C'est la vie.

So that is how I learned the lesson that everyone is alone
And your eyes must do some raining if you are ever going to grow
But when crying don't help and you can't compose yourself
It is best to compose a poem,
an honest verse of longing or a simple song of hope.
That is why I'm singing...
(Bright Eyes, Bowl of Oranges)

i know a girl.

2008-07-15T15:07:00.000-07:00

I knew a girl
who built her castles
on the Milky Way.

She sat as a tree, bare
branches and the wind
an ornament for her hands.
Contentment was her game
and she left competition to
the grounded leaves.

She decided to depart
and trees grow down somedays
and leaves seem high
to her now.

I know a girl
whose castles are founded
on a shifting plate.

2008-07-12T21:32:00.000-07:00

A poem I found, speaking for me. Here is a link to the original: http://www.xenith.net/forums/index.php?showtopic=14276. According to the author, it is a rough draft, but I believe it's lovely.

notes after my apocalypse

I was trying to quit smoking, and dreaming a lot.
Then you left, and the dreams of the day replaced the
dreams of the night, and I smoke when I drink, which is
most of the time, and the jack and the dreams make me
laconic and simple--he left me, I'm sad.
in the notes that I've scribbled
to remind me he's gone, I abandoned
the second person singular, because
I didn't actually know him anymore. Instead,
I cut my hair in mourning, bought a new pair of shoes, and
set about trying to drink myself to death--my liver will forgive me,
because it was my heart that went first.

EXCERPT: "Come On! Feel the Illinoise!" (Part 2: Carl Sandburg Visits Me in a Dream) by Sufjan Stevens

2008-06-08T13:58:00.000-07:00

Even with the heart of terror and the superstitious wearer
I am riding all alone
I am writing all alone

Even in my best condition, counting all the superstition
I am riding all alone
I am running all alone

And we laughed at the beatitudes of a thousand lines
We were asked at the attitudes
They reminded us of death

Even with the rest belated, everything is antiquated
Are you writing from the heart?
Are you writing from the heart?

Even in his heart the Devil has to know the water level
Are you writing from the heart?
Are you writing from the heart?

And I cried myself to sleep last night
For the Earth, and materials, they may sound just right to me

Even with the rest belated, everything is antiquated
Are you writing from the heart?
Are you writing from the heart?

Even in his heart the Devil has to know the water level
Are you writing from the heart?
Are you writing from the heart?

Front porch conversations

2008-06-08T13:37:00.000-07:00

i feel like i am on the brink of something grand.

He leaned back against the wall. He couldn't stand up straight and was swaying. In the last couple days I had interacted with more drunkeness than I had in my life previous to that. There is a certain type of truth, I think, that comes out when one's under the influence. A specific brand, I think, less smooth than sober truth it was like when you're swimming in the ocean and the undertow drags you out deeper than you expected, scratching your fresh skin against the sand.

Lance looked at me, his glazed eyes spying into my own. "You haven't had the real shit. I can tell. See, Jake -- he's seen the real shit, and Cory -- well, Cory's kind of known the real shit. But you -- you've never known."

I couldn't help myself from smiling. I alway smile. "How would i know if I had?"

"Oh, you'll know. Look at me." He stepped back, his cigarette dangling precariously inbetween two fingers. "I am fucking in love with this girl and I know I'm going to marry her. I'm not with her right now, and she knows I'm fucking other girls and I know she's probably fucking other guys, but you know what? I love that girl and I am going to fucking marry her. That's just the way it is."

He ended this with an enthusiastic thump on the rail of the porch. His cigarette dislodged itself and drifted down on the porch. "Look at me," he mumbled, "I dropped my cigarette." He gave me that look again, meeting my eyes like no one sober ever did. "Are you happy with who you are Elizabeth? Really? I mean, if you could, would you go back and make yourself a different person?"

I shook my head.

"Seriously, do you fucking like who you've become?"

I shook my head again. "No." I laughed. "Of course not."

From the look on his face, you'd think I was a heretic. His jaw was slack and his eyes widened.

"So you wish you could go back and change those decisions you made, just so you could end up a fucking conformist girl like -- a fucking conformist, you wish you could do that?" It almost seemed like he was hurt by the very idea of me not being who I am.

"No, no i don't."

"That's right! That's fucking what I'm talking about. You know what I'm going to do someday? I'm going to do this and I think everybody else should too. You know what you should do? Somewhere on your body, anywhere on your body -- I'm going to get it right here," he made a drunken cross over his chest, " it's going to be tattooed 'No Regrets', because that's the way I live my life -- no regrets! And you fucking should too." He paused, closed his eyes, and took a long drag on the cigarette that was burning close to his fingers. "That's all I'm going to say for now."

2008-06-02T00:42:00.000-07:00

becoming myself [substantially] is a painful process -- much like pressing a lit cigarette deep into the skin or the steady removal of hair from the scalp.

"If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I'm neurotic as hell. I'll be flying back and forth between one mutually exclusive thing and another for the rest of my days."
- Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar, Chapter 8

"...I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story.
From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out.
I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet." Sylvia Plath, the Bell Jar, Chapter 7

Caught in an undertow

2008-05-27T20:48:00.000-07:00

This summer has already changed me more than i would have thought it would. I miss everyone back home, but i feel like if i return -- it's a cage, it's a cage, it's a cage. Plus, school "wouldn't be a worthwhile investment at this point". But what to do, what to do? There are a couple possibilities -- Europe is calling my name, pulling my feet towards her land. Or west coast, i'm feeling her, too. Where to go, where to go?

Ice-age heat wave, can't complain.
If the world's at large, why should I remain?
Walked away to another plan.
Gonna find another place, maybe one I can stand.
I move on to another day,
to a whole new town with a whole new way.
Went to the porch to have a thought.
Got to the door and again, I couldn't stop.
You don't know where and you don't know when.
But you still got your words and you got your friends.
Walk along to another day.
Work a little harder, work another way.

Well uh-uh baby I ain't got no plan.
We'll float on maybe would you understand?
Gonna float on maybe would you understand?
Well float on maybe would you understand?

The days get shorter and the nights get cold.
I like the autumn but this place is getting old.
I pack up my belongings and I head for the coast.
It might not be a lot but I feel like I'm making the most.
The days get longer and the nights smell green.
I guess it's not surprising but it's spring and I should leave.

I like songs about drifters - books about the same.
They both seem to make me feel a little less insane.
Walked on off to another spot.
I still haven't gotten anywhere that I want.
Did I want love? Did I need to know?
Why does it always feel like I'm caught in an undertow?

The moths beat themselves to death against the lights.
Adding their breeze to the summer nights.
Outside, water like air was great.
I didn't know what I had that day.
Walk a little farther to another plan.
You said that you did, but you didn't understand.

I know that starting over is not what life's about.
But my thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud.
(The World at Large by Modest Mouse)

Maybe i'll run to the West Coast a pick up an apprenticeship for glassblowing. So many options.

Baby Anika!

2008-05-09T15:44:00.001-07:00

a hypothetical conversation between that which contributes and that which takes away.

2008-05-06T18:42:00.000-07:00

-Hey baby?

+Yeah?

-Do you think that someday we could condense everything we own into one car?

+Why would we want to do that?

-We could go anywhere.

+Don't you want roots?

-Roots roots roots! Everybody has roots! Baby, i want
F
R
E
E
D
O
M.
I want to meet everyone who is crazy about this world, baby. I want me & you & everything in between!

+...

-....

+...baby?

-Yes?

+The only thing between you and me is emptiness.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE EPILOGUE.
[eternity is emptiness is everything.]

We've got forever.

2008-05-05T09:20:00.000-07:00

1) Answer the questions below
2) Take each answer and type it into Photobucket
3) Take any picture from the first page of results and post. (click on the picture and copy the HTML code)**Sometimes like in my case, the first page doesnt come up with the right answers, so go ahead and flip from page to page. For the names, that sometimes photobucket might not work, try making it at 123glitter.com
4) You can't copy the persons answers who posted this before you!

1. The age you will be on your next birthday.

2. Place you want to go?

3. Your favorite place?

4. Your favorite object?

5. Your favorite food?

6. What is your favorite animal?

7. What is your favorite color?

8. Town in which you were born?

9. Town in which you live?

10. Name of your pet?

11. Name of the person you love?

12. Your nickname?

13. Your middle name?

14. Your last name?

15. Your first job?

16. Your grandmother's name?

17. What did you want to be when you grew up?

18. What kind of car do you drive?

19. What color hair do you have?

20. What is the closest holiday to your birthday?

21. What color are your eyes?

22. Who is your celebrity crush?

23. Who is you favorite actor?

24. Who is your favorite actress?

25. You favorite band?

"Metaphors are how we make sense of life."

2008-04-30T21:40:00.000-07:00

When i was young, i my parents had a membership to the YMCA. We lived on a lake, so we could really go swimming anytime we wanted to in the summer, but my parents used the exercise room while my brother and i swam in the pool. I remember the strong smell of chlorine and the biting cold of the water when i first entered.

When i was young, and we used to go to the Y, i remember clutching to the side of the pool in the deep end and shoving myself under. I would curl up, tight like an unbloomed flower and let my body drift to the bottom of the pool. My body would relax when i hit the bottom, and my arms and legs would be loose then, because i didn't want to use any body part other than my lungs. My lungs my lungs my lungs. They were all that mattered. All that mattered was that i would hold in that breath so i could be underwater for as long as possible. As i lie on the bottom of the pool, my lungs would begin to burn and that was when i would know that i was doing well. I was living i was holding my breath and as long as i was holding my breath, i wasn't drowning. I was good. Burn burn burn my lungs would burn. A shooting, scathing desire for breath would pierce my entire body and my head would begin to turn. Longer.

Burn burn burn. My head turns.

Burn burn burn. My head turns.

Then my legs would jerk, my arms would tense and i would shove off into the air. Sweet and clear air would fill me and i would be heaving and clutching to the side of the pool in the deep. As i clutched, recovering my breath, i would count down the seconds until i could return.

Story of Identity ( awo rki nprogr es s)

2008-04-27T23:13:00.001-07:00

i was born with a string around my neck.
a sprout arching its stem towards the sun, i
was reaching. The horizon was low, spread
out long and bowing towards the clouds.

i grew with a rope wrapped across my
chest. i was becoming rounded, with
coarse bark and shirts i saw my mother
wearing. the sun was burning my eyes.

i blossomed with a chain hanging heavy
over my outstretched limbs. Birds desired
to perch. Winds shook them loose and i
let them go to the sun, believing it to be better.

I am dying with heaviness, a suffocating
identity. Hollowed branches make me mere
kindling. The heat smothers the bark and i
burn. burn. burn.
burn. burning.

Cast it at the Setting Sail (an appendix to yesterday)

2008-04-27T08:48:00.000-07:00

When life's got your goat now
By his tail and by his goat throat
Lighten up and gather
All those cares
All your snares
'Cause who really cares

Take aim and cast 'em
Straight at the sail
Take time to blast em
By nailing all of your

Books of punch lists
Onto these trees exists
The unchecking of lists

Blowing up and sinking
And breaking at the seams
Our streamline of activities
Surely brings
Many things

Relaton spoiling
And plans they a haunting

Take aim and cast em
Straight at the sail
Take time to blast em
And you can all tell them

That you are not lead
By worry, fear or dread
By waking up the dead

So look alive
Wake up and ride on
Thrive on the downsize
Our yokes are ease
And cares a breeze
Our enemies

Our hands they feed
'Cause what controls me
Is what is killing
Me through the day
Our plans we lay
What's pappa say

Destroy gods and devils
And fine statues of men
But don't throw these in the air
Or in the sea
Let them be

Thrown at the setting sail
Of sweet victory

Take aim and cast em
Straight at the sail
Take time to blast em
By nailing all of your

Instant gratis gains
Complaints of their bird brains
Remains of your distain

So look alive
Wake up and ride on
Thrive on the downsize
Our yokes are ease
and cares a breeze
Our enemies

Our hands they feed
'Cause what controls me
Is what is killing
Me through the day
Our plans we lay
What's pappa say

(by Danielson)

a nd sp i n ning c a nbe b e aut ifu l

2008-04-26T10:02:00.001-07:00

I recieved an unexpected check today. Hurrah! I love unexpected checks in the mail. I never thought i'd say this, but God bless IPFW! :)

I've come to realize, after experiencing a myriad of negative circumstances in a rather immediate period of time, that there is very little in this world that one can control. Focusing on an external locus of control leaves one feeling as if they are on the edge of a wildly spinning merry-go-round. The thing is, I know there's nothing i can do to stop the spinning or stop that mysterious force that is pulling me towards the edge or the way the world whips by me at break-neck speeds. So all i can do is hang on, hang hang hang on and enjoy the mixing of colors that only the velocity and repititiousness of spinning can bring me.

2008-04-24T09:39:00.000-07:00

Over the summer i will be keeping a blog specifically to record my travels. It's going to be more focused on my journey and reacting to my stay in Yellowstone, whereas this will continue to be my personal blog. My travel blog will contain pictures, quotes, and stories specifically pertaining to my travels. Czech it out: Afoot and Light-Hearted.

Really, it is hard to write an award-winning novel/screenplay, i swear!

2008-04-22T09:29:00.000-07:00

. My wiring is off kilter, God - please call the electrician.

2008-04-21T19:50:00.000-07:00

I feel as though i'm fading. And take that in the most figurative way possible, all the while keeping in mind that overdramatic blog posts are my specialty. I'm sick of taking medicine. I want to stop, but i've realized over the last couple of weeks that i can't. If i desire a clear mind free of oppressive negativity, i must take medicine.

It makes me feel false. I want to live my life as accurately to reality as possible. How can i do that if i'm constantly under the influence of something? I know a girl who struggles with depression of a bipolar sort. She refuses to take medication even though she shows all the symptoms of a textbook case of medical depression. I'm struggling to decide whether this lifestyle is wise or exceedingly foolish. She has erratic moods and sometimes i worry that she is a threat to herself. However, i admire her in a way. Even though life is hard for her - harder perhaps than it is for most "normal" people - she deals with it. She may breakdown sometimes, but she recovers. I admire the fact that she faces reality without medication. I wonder if i could do this?

The medication i'm on (a combination of paxil and trileptal) makes a difference. I realize it helps me deal with life - it removes the gauze of depression and overbearing pressure of life in general, the gauze that makes me want to do nothing but sleep sleep sleep and cry and quit, the gauze that makes me hit "silence" on my phone every time someone wants to talk to me because dammit - i will fail anyways at whatever you called me about so just leave me alone already.

I also know that Paxil is addictive. You become dependent on it over time and to quit leaves one with a sickness, described by some as leading to irrational anger for about a month before it wears off. Other accounts report intense flu-like symptoms and "brain zaps" that seize up your nerves, insomnia, extremely vivid dreams, vertigo, suicidal thoughts, intense fear of losing your sanity, depersonalization, headaches, panic attacks, and memory/concentration problems. Just to name a few. i have experience approximately eight out of these twelve listed symptoms.

I don't know where i'm going with this or if it should indeed go anywhere. Maybe i'll just continue putting my body through hell by "quitting" my meds sporadically every few weeks. But i know the oppressive gauze will push me back to my medicine before the end.

I just want to be free from this. Why has God wired me like this?

2008-04-21T15:49:00.001-07:00